Don't ask God to make your life easier, Ask God to make you a Stronger Person....Lessons in learning to let go of control

Ok - yeah - so I am kind of a control Freak.....My mom passed when I was 15, so I didn't really have a choice but to TAKE CONTROL of my own life....and have CONTROLLED it - right or wrong, for the last 30 years.  Scratch that - 29 years and 1 month.  In December last year - I finally LOST control....or - perhaps I should say I finally realized that I DIDN'T control my own life.  God controls it....I am only now learning the most important lesson of all....it's not your life that you control...it's how you react to the things that you can't control, and whether or not you let them control you. Whew....this is one doozy of a life lesson.

Today - was totally NOT what I expected it to be. I woke up and forced myself out of bed at 7:15 like I do every morning - chose a cute pair of pinstriped pants and a black sweater to wear to work, and sleepily put on minimal make up and since it was what us Southerners call FREEEEEZZZZIIINNNGGG (haha - I think it was 50 degrees) outside, I chose to wear hair today - A cute and sassy little short auburn number...yeah - it was a "cute" day.  3

After blogging last night - and praying until I just couldn't utter another word, I woke up feeling pretty good.  Have been able to do without meds the last couple of mornings in a row, and have been really proud of myself for that, although I know in my heart - that is only through my endless prayer that God is finally answering me and helping remove some of the anxiety that I have been feeling for the last few months.  Praise be to God for that -

Psalm 30 - Joy Cometh in the Morning!!!!

I arrived at work at 8:32 to find that our internet server was down, and we couldn't do a DARN thing!!!  Uuuugh - I told myself - I could have stayed home in bed!!!  I find that - if I am busy at work - I find it much easier to focus on work, instead of the things that are making me sad and causing my depression.  Enter lesson number 1 - You can't control this....stop bitching and moaning - and find something constructive to do while you wait...so - luckily - I brought my kindle along, and decided to read the book by Joyce Meyer that I am currently reading (love that woman by the way ) "Straight talk on depression: Overcoming Emotional Battles with the power of God's Word.

Finally - around 10 am - the server came up and I was able to get to work - of course I had a million things to do by then so I dove right it,

Enter lesson #2 for the day....I received a phone call from Nancy - the Nurse at Odyssey House - telling me that Fischer was running a 102 fever and that I needed to come get him and take him to the doctor. HUH????  Ok - this was REALLY not what I was expecting today.  I was naturally upset that my baby boy was sick, and of course I was worried, but on top of that, Teresa was also sick, and was out at a Dr. Appointment - we have all been concerned about her for a couple of weeks - so I was feeling especially bad about having to leave the office to take Fischer to the doctor.  On top of all that - Fischer's Dad doesn't keep the court ordered medical insurance on him, so I knew that this was going to be a pretty penny out of pocket.  Praise be to the lord that I am in decent financial shape right now.  I left the office at 12:30.

My poor sick baby snuggling with my breast cancer lamb in mama's bed

When I arrived at Odyssey House to pick up my baby - he was lethargic.  Running a fever hot as hades, eyes glazed over, and shaking from body chills.  At this point - I AM MAD!!!!!!  First - Im miserable for my baby feeling this way, and 2nd because they called me on Monday telling me Fischer was CLAIMING that he was not feeling well.  I missed the call, tried to call back, and called twice yesterday and left a message for his case worker - who never called me back.  It was almost as if they thought that Fischer was faking being sick ...so yeah - excuse my french...but by now I am FUCKING PISSED!!!

I drove 10 miles to the nearest Walgreens care clinic, and as soon as we got in the car - my poor baby was throwing up in my empty McDonald's cup.  We got to the clinic and got signed in, and luckily didnt have to wait too long before seeing the practicioner.  Fischer, all the while, puking his guts up in the trash can.  The practicioner was precious and had a great sense of humor - which Fischer and I both needed at this point - she laughed and curtly remarked "Well - at least we know he isn't pregnant!!!"   I couldn't help but laugh.

What was to come next was miserable - after taking his vitals - she explained to me that she needed to do a flu test and a strep test.  The strep test consisted of swabbing the back of his throat - a little uncomfortable, but not unbearable.  The flu test however - UNREAL.  She had to take an 8 inch swab, and ram it all the way up into his nasal cavity on both sides.  Just the sound of it was horrible - and although my boy is ALL BOY - the poor baby had tears rolling down his face when she finished the test. I don't think I have ever seen him cry from pain like that, and it broke my heart.  The practicioner escorted us back out to the waiting room, and in about half an hour - the doctor called us in and gave us the news that Fischer had a SEVERE case of Type A influenza.  She told me that she would prescribe something for the nausea and vomiting (yup - he was still steadily vomiting) but I told her I had Zofran left from my chemo, and could I give him that...she said it was perfect and that would at least save me the money for that prescription, and she prescribed TamiFlu for him.  She said it was the worst case that she had seen this year, and that if he couldn't keep liquids down by morning, I needed to take him to the ER for IV to prevent dehydration.

Finally got him back to Odyssey House, and was so relieved that they decided it was not in his best interest or that of the other children for him to stay in his medical condition, and that since Graduation was Friday - they would go ahead and let him go home.  He didn't even want to gather his things...said he would rather come  back for them on Saturday.  I drove home - got his meds, and 300 dollars later - finally got him home, medicated and in bed.

During all of the afternoons events - I'm getting more upset

1,  This could have been headed off much sooner - If Odyssey had returned my phone calls, or taken Fischer seriously when he said he was sick - this totally didn't have to go this far.
2.  I had to take a half day off work - and I really didn't need to be doing that with as much work as I have to miss.
3.  My baby is totally sick, and will now most likely have to miss the graduation celebration on Friday.  This is a big deal - 3 months clean and sober, and completing the program....the graduation celebration - he deserves
4.  I had to cancel my therapy appointment for the afternoon
5.  I am not able to make my grandson's birthday cake for his party on Sunday....I ALWAYS make my babies cakes!!!!

ok - so - thankfully I have found KSBJ and I listen to it - my station never changes, and the music gave me hope and helped me cope all the way home.  I cried - Good Heaven's how I cried - but my day had been turned upside down and my baby boy was miserable. This song - carried me - all the way home

So - what is the common denominator here?  All of the above things "I COULD NOT CONTROL"......The only thing I COULD control - was and is how I react/respond to the events.  For today - I chose NOT to react,....I chose to handle the situations and totally leave the emotions out of it. I listened to the music on KSBJ, cried a bit, and just handled the situations. and decided that tomorrow - with a clear head and a renewed heart - I would deal with the rest of the stuff .  For the moment, even though Fischer is sick - still running a fever but at least being able to rest peacefully and comfortably, I decided to take joy in the fact that my baby boy is laying next to me, instead of at Odyssey house where he has spent the last 3 months, and oddly enough - I find comfort in that.

Again - Lesson for the Day - I AM NOT IN CONTROL

Dear Heavenly Father
Thank you for carrying me in your arms through this day, and thank you for blessing me with the ability to take care of Fischer's health needs.  I pray that he will feel better tomorrow and I pray for you to heal him in the name of your own precious son Jesus Christ.  I thank you for again, teaching me and showing me that I am NOT in control, and I thank you for letting me, little by little - learn to give my worries and my burdens to you and let you handle them.  I thank you for the feeling that I have in my  heart, that this dark cloud of despair is lifting - and I know that that is only through you and only because you listen and hear my prayers.  Whatsoever you shall ask in the name of Christ - you shall receive.  Thank you for the little signs that we almost never hear, and thank you for the LOUD signs, that we couldn't possibly miss.  I pray that you will wake me to a beautiful day tomorrow, with lifted spirits and a renewed heart.  Praise to you Lord - for joy cometh in the morning.  Thank you as always for all of my beautiful babies - you have truly blessed me, and I pray for those who are in need of your blessing and your direction, especially those whose name not even need mentioning. Thanks and Glory be to you almighty Father.

In Jesus Name I Pray


Amen

God appears to be offline. Messages that you send will be delivered when they sign on....

Ever feel like the title of this blog?  For those of you who don't know me, you should know that I have God on Window's live messenger.  Yea Yea - It seems a little silly - but I created an account - so that I could instant message God. Where during my work day - if something bothered me, or there was something that I felt like I wanted or needed to pray about - all I had to do was send him an IM!  Believe it or not...I do it VERY often...sometimes it's nice, and sometimes I am downright complaining.  Today, as I got ready to log off - I noticed the message at the top of the IM window.  God appears to be offline.  Messages that you send will be delivered when they sign on.  GAH!!! Really????  That brought me to a profound thought....is this what God sees when he tries to talk to us, or show us the way....and we are just OFFLINE"???? I suspect so!!! With that said - my Goal this week is to REALLY try to LISTEN and not be "offline".  Let's see how many signs I can actually see and hear when I choose to do so!!

It's been what seems like forever since I have written, and truth be told I am only here because I received what I felt like must be a "sign" from God just moments ago...and for once - although it it TOTALLY out of character for me to LISTEN....I decided I would give it a shot!

Today - around 4 pm, as I sat at my desk watching the clock - wondering if this dreadful day would ever come to an end, and stressing over whether or not I was going to be able to force myself to complete a simple task...go to the grocery store and purchase the things that I need for my grandson's birthday cake that I need to finish by FRIDAY.....I was reading a spiritual blog - I exalt thee....by Ali Smith

http://alinsmith.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/a-beautiful-prayer-for-the-single-ladies/

and I read that blogging was/is considered an excellent tool to combat depression.  I quickly dismissed it..yeah - I know it helps me to write...but who in the heck wants to write right now??? I certainly didn't, and seriously still don't.  Then out of no where- my best friend, whom I haven't had the decency enough to even reach out to in the last couple of weeks, sent me a text asking me to remind her of the name of my blog.....derrrrrr...."Thar's yer sign gurl!!!"

Im still stressing....let me just say that I just finished a bag of these - ALL BY MYSELF!!!!

Haha  - yeah - not kidding - the whole DAMN bag!!!!

I'm going to be paying for it soon - since A/C.....sweets don't set with my stomach well...but once again - I DON'T LISTEN!!

Soooo....many things have happened since my last post.....Put my son in a rehab center for smoking pot - He's been there for almost 3 months now, and I am proud to report that Graduation Day is this coming Friday.  I have weekly visits with him on Sundays and Weekly Counseling Sessions with him and his case worker, and I have to rejoice with joy at the change that I have seen in him since his admittance into the facility.  

Finally, being free of being high...his mind is clear, and his true thoughts and feelings are finally able to come through. I havc sat in awe, and watched words pour from his mouth that I would never have dreamed would have come out of his mouth...and for that I have no one to thank but God.  We had quite a spiritual moment two weeks ago when I had him out on a 12 hour pass.  I have a beautiful deck and Gazebo in my back yard - surrounded by wind chimes.  It's kind of my "retreat" or "safe space"....this is where I sit late at night and smoke a cigarette, or early in the cold mornings with a cup of coffee, when I have something on my mind that I need to try and work through.  We just happened to be sitting under the Gazebo, having a smoke, I was bawling because our plans to have dinner with my daughter and her husband and my grandchildren had been foiled as my poor son in law had to work, and because it was getting closer to time to take Fischer back to the facility.  Fischer wrapped his arms around me and held me while I sobbed...all the while reassuring me that it was only 2 more weeks and he would be home and telling me that he was disappointed about our Dinner plans too, but that those were things that I have no control over and that I needed to learn how to let go of the things that I could not control, and he could help me with that if I would like. What tha french toast!!! Did my son just offer to educate me on "letting go"???  MMMMHMMMMM He shore did!!!!

And that wasn't even the spiritual moment....Let me tell you folks first off - that we live in the GHETTO.....ok - our home is nice - but it's just a house - you can make ANY house nice and make it your home - but the area that we live in - is GHETTO.  Don't misunderstand....I grew up here - and it is home to me - but the place has changed so much - and it almost depresses me to be here.  The life here is stagnant....gang infested, drug infested, dark, dreary and dirty.  I am not prejudiced in any form, and I am only using this statement as a means of proving my point.  Fischer and I are one of only 2 caucasian families on our street of approximately 30 houses.  I only moved back here to be close to my babies and my 99 year old grandmother - and if it weren't for them I'd be out of this hell hole in 2.2 seconds....it seems like my whole life fell apart when I moved back here.  Ok - I must be a little ADD because I got totally off the subject....

Normally - what you hear on my street, are ancient model, lowered, pimped out cars, being driven by gentlemen permanently plasterd in the Gangsta Lean pose, throwing out whiz Khalifa or Zero

or some other main stream rapper promoting Sex, Barz, and Lean.  Everyday occurence ...just what you learn to expect here....BUT TODAY!!!!  As Fischer and I sat holding each other and crying....I sat back and listened, and heard the most GLORIOUS NOISE!!!  There was a band - playing in SOMEONE'S BACK YARD just BELTING OUT are you ready for this ????  Contemporary Christian Music!!!!  and it was so LOUD!!!! I could hear every word..clear as a bell....a coincidence???? I think NOT....God telling my baby boy and I that he has us - IN HIS HANDS...oh yeah - that's for sure...it was definitely a sign from God and it set the whole mood for the rest of my evening.  The next time I hear it - I will follow it....I want to join in and be a part of the celebration!!  With that said - I want to share one of my favorite top Contemporary Christian Songs

Need You Now by Plum

Well, believe it or not....I actually do feel better...but It's nearly 11 pm, and if I don't sleep I sure as hell wont be feeling better tomorrow!!!

Today I will close with a prayer 

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for waking me with the Sunshine this morning, and thank you for the small victories I was able to achieve with your guidance.  Thank you for holding me in your hands through the depression that I now fall victim to, and thank you for helping me know that you may allow me to bend but you will never allow me to break.  Thank you for letting me get through something as simple as the grocery store.  Thank you for giving me the the gift of being able to give grace and forgiveness to those that hurt me, and the ability to pray for those same people. Thank you for all the clicks on his name on the Salvation wall....Thank you for my precious friends that have stood beside me through my hysteria, and thank you for my new friends - all of whom I look forward to a life time of making wonderful new memories with.  Thank you for my beautiful children, and for all of the blessings that you have bestowed on my life. Please help me to continue to grow in my relationship with you, learn to know you, and live as an example of your glory and light to others. 

I pray for all of the beautiful people in my life,and I even pray for the "not so beautiful" people in my life - that you would heal them of their afflictions, bless them with abundant joy and peace, and bestow upon them all of your wonder and glory.In the name of your son Jesus I pray...

Amen