Ripping off the band aid

Sometimes, when you love someone as deeply as I love...you just have to rip the band aid off.  You can go on for days, months, years....enjoying the moment, and hoping that they will someday love you back the way you love them...but you compromise yourself, and you resolve to be content with whatever part of themselves they are willing to give you.  What that boils down to...is accepting less than you deserve...and today, I finally became angry and decided that I will no longer accept less than I deserve.  I gave everything I could....I tried to protect him from my sickness, I made it my mission to uplift him and show him how much I cared, and lift him up, and show him love in every way I possibly could. Tonight - after being left hanging and being made to feel less than import for the umpteenth time in the last few weeks, I finally ripped it off and told him to get his things before I came home, and get out of my life.  It was the hardest thing I've ever done, and the mere thought of not experiencing the things in life that I had hoped to experience with him is excruciating....but in the same breath....the closure is almost peaceful.  The lesson I have learned is that nothing good lasts forever, and the only course of action that I have is to let go, and try to find a way to remember the good things instead of the pain.  I will love him unconditionally until the day I die....but now...I have to love myself more, than to allow myself to be only an option. Dear holy Father - please wrap me in your arms tonight, and ease my pain.  Comfort me, and allow me to rest peacefully and awake with a new heart and spirit tomorrow, and most of all, I pray -- that someday  he will find someone to love that will love him with the unconditional love that I have for him in my heart. 

Groceries

By now, those of you who do not know me, or are not close to me, are probably wondering "Who he HELL is Groceries?  First - Know that I will never reveal the identity of "Groceries"  .....I will tell you who and what he is to me....but his name will never be revealed.  To those of you that do know me personally - keep your trap shut....comment all you like - but no names please....that's just the way I want it to be.

First you all need to know why I refer to him as Groceries.  It's another movie thing (If you haven't figured it out yet - I'm a movie freak).  In the movie Eat, Pray, Love - While they were at the ashram, Richard gave Liz an unusual nickname—Groceries. "She really enjoyed her food. And she spoke to it as she ate," he says. "So I would hear this, 'Hmm. Oh, mm' And I thought this woman really enjoys her groceries. So I started calling her Groceries."  I chose this for him, since we both have an insatiable love for good food, and are great cooks, and many times our time together centered around cooking and/or dining out.  So - there ya have it - "Groceries"

Who is Groceries???  Everyone has a first love, a soul mate.....the one that leaves an imprint on your heart that you carry with you for the rest of your life.  Some are lucky enough to get to spend a lifetime with that person, others, like me....only get to have that person for a little while, but carry them in our heart for a lifetime. 

I met Groceries when I was probably 12.  He was a close friend of the family, and he spent lots of time with our family until we were probably 17 or so.  We were one of the first families he met when he moved here, and the honest truth is that I have been in love with him since the day I met him.  We lost contact for more than 20 years, and ran into each other at a social function 3 years ago, and the moment that he hugged my neck, it was like being 12 all over again.  Groceries never gave me the time of day back when we were kids...I was just the little sister.....but this time,  I guess I grew up a little cuter than I was back then, and I seemed to have caught his attention, for a moment anyway.  We somehow or another exchanged emails or phone numbers, and started what was a 2 and a half year flirtationship....only saw each other once, for about an hour or so, at another social gathering, then again when he offered to loan me something that I was in need of for a gathering.  It was all in good fun, In the beginning I invited him to spend time with me on a few occassions, to which he always declined...so I finally gave up.  We would talk regularly for a few weeks....then nothing for months...then regularly for a few weeks, and nothing again.  I quickly got tired of the game....but in October of last year.....I guess it was time to play for real.  Although I made it clear before we ever spent time together that I was afraid of it - because of my feelings for him...and the pedestal I had placed him on since we were children, I went against my better judgement and agreed to spend time with him anyway.  From that point forward - until 3 weeks ago.....I had the pleasure of spending  5 of the most wonderful months of my life with Groceries.....then - all of a sudden - out of nowhere.....ditched....abandoned...left trying to cope with Chemo and pick up the pieces of a shattered heart. 

I cant say that I know why it happened.....could be any of several reasons.  See, I knew about Groceries....while I adore him....he's no Ryan Reynolds....Not very tall, a little overweight, and a total asshole at times.  Stubborn, opinionated, unable to communicate, and in my belief, somewhat of a player.....one that requires the attention of multiple women in order to feel adequate, and always has other options in line in case the flavor of the month doesn't work out.  Never willing to commit, and the first one to run when things get too close.  I believe whole heartedly...and it pains me to say this, that I was not the only person that he was seeing while we spent those five months together, and I believe that he was untruthful with me on many occassions....BUT here I go....with this DAMNED
curse that when I love, I love unconditionally.  I can't say that I didn't care that I thought he was being untruthful with me, and I can't say that it didn't hurt when I thought that he was with someone else, but the truth of the matter was, there was no definition to our relationship, and I guess in retrospect, I was not much more than a piece of ass, so I had no right to be angry or even call him out when I felt like he was not on the level.  He was not my boyfriend....so I had no right.....and I never did.  The relationship was easy...it was fun, and I loved every second that I spent with him.  You see, Groceries has many other wonderful qualities, that far outweighed the bad in my mind. He has an intoxicating smile, beautiful brown eyes, ONE cute dimple in his cheek, the sexiest voice I have ever heard in my life, the most infectious laugh you will ever hear, an excellent cook, played guitar and sang like he should have been on American Idol. He did everything right....sent me the most amazing flowers before my last surgery, brought me seashells from the beach, and even bought my favorite candy for me (I still dont even remember telling him it was my favorite) He listened to me, paid attention to me, and  He had the ability to make me feel like a little girl, and a sensual woman all at the same time.  Strong, Intellingent, Masculine.....I never felt safer then when I woke up in his arms.....soooo...... You know the old saying...ignorance is bliss....I overlooked that bad, because I was so in love with the good, and all that I could hope for is that one day, he might love me back. 

I dont know whether he ditched me for the next conquest....because I was just a piece of ass

I dont know whether he ditched me because I got too close....I was never unclear about my feelings for him, from day 1 he knew that I loved him....I even asked him to remove himself from my life when I was diagnosed with cancer, because I wanted to protect him from the ugliness of it...and he respected my wishes for about 72 hours before he was texting me that he missed me.  I'll never understand why he didn't just take the out when I gave it to him.
I dont know if he ditched me because he just plain doesnt feel the same way about me

I dont know if he ditched me because I'm sick with Chemo and he just couldnt deal with it

I saw him 4 days ago, when he came to pick up the things that I had borrowed from him almost a year ago....he hugged me and held me close several times, and kissed me goodbye at the door.  Letting go of him was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, next to letting go of my mother.  He then sent me a text message a couple of hours later, telling me how good it felt to hug me.  I responded "yes - it was hard for me to let go", and I haven't heard a single word from him since. 

It all sounds pretty shitty I know - and everyone says "you are better off without him"...well, the fact is that I miss him like crazy, and I love him unconditionally.  No matter what the reasons are for why he treated me the way he did, I love him....unconditionally.  I will love him, for the rest of my life - unconditionally.

My instinct is to try to find a way to hate him....but I just can't do it.  I keep trying to find fault within myself as a reason for him leaving me.....it's easier to blame myself than to tarnish the image that I have in my heart of him.  I know that time heals all wounds, and I pray to God every night to give me peace of mind and let this pass...but how long????  How long until I dont wake up and he is the first thought that crosses my mind??  How long until I can listen to country music again because every song wont remind me of him?  How long before I can go to bed at night and not cry because I miss him so much? Why did you bring him into my life just to take him away ?  How long before I can look back and say....It's your loss....because you let go of the best thing that could have ever happened to you?   How long before the pain stops? and he BIGGEST most important question

Why God? Couldn't I just this once, have been good enough for him to love me back?

Some questions we never get answers to, so I guess the best that I can hope for is that the time moves swiftly to the day when I can forget. I know that someday - someone will love me the way that I deserve to be loved.....and I will move on and live a happy life - but "Groceries" will be forever in my heart.

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings

No man is an island entire unto himself... John Donne...Grey's Anatomy Season 2 Episode 11

In a discussion with "groceries" a few days ago, I was informed that he believed that sick, or not sick ...I was incapable of being alone, and that my attachment to him was largely due to my desire NOT to be alone. I quickly.retorted that I have in fact been ALONE for over three years...and he replied...no....you are never alone...you had Fischer until recently...you cannot be alone.
You cannot even BEGIN to know how much that PISSED ME OFF. 
What I meant was that I had not been in a physical or emotional relationship with a man in three years...and I functioned quite well that way ...lived and enjoyed my life without the constraints of a relationship. I am very capable of being alone, and extremely self sufficient.
My next thought was that EVEN if I "couldn't" be alone....why the hell would I want to?  My situation is not ideal right now..but I am generally a fun, loving, generous and compassionate person with a God given gift that enables me to show people unconditional love and lift spirits in almost everyone I encounter. Why in Gods name would I not want to share those gifts ?
As humans we are social beings; we need relationships in order to survive. We need each other.
The statement was like a stab in the heart...and made me believe for days that the fact that I dont want to be alone was some horrible flaw in my character...like some needy little girl.attaching herself to a man for no other reason than my desire to no longer be alone. ...which couldn't be further from the truth, and anyone who truly knows me would argue that fact all the way to the supreme court .
I choose to.surround myself with friends and family and people who love me because of my nature as a nurturer. I thrive on giving others happiness and I have the ability to see something good in everyone. Charachter flaw??? I think not.
Every one needs some one...and God did not create man to be alone ....after all ....Did he not create Eve as Adam's partner ????
No man is an island entire unto himself.....
Soooooooo....if thats a flaw in my charachter....then God let me be flawed for the rest of my days and my.heart goes out to those who are content with being alone.

The Wisdom of Grey's Anatomy

It's amazing the amount of wisdom you can acquire from a simple television show ....I've never been much of a tv watcher, but my sister and I have been on a three day Greys Anatomy marathon.....glued to the tv...and still.have six seasons to go! Her poor husband has suffered through it so graciously for the last 24 hours in between digging holes and tearing stuff up with his new tractor ...what a great guy for putting up with us!!!

I've kept a pen and tablet close...and taken note of things that touched me in some way....and I will be blogging about each of them ....here's to hopefully gaining more wisdom and insight!!

What if??????

'What' and ‘if....’ two words as nonthreatening
as words come. But put
them together side-by-side and they
have the power to haunt you for the
rest of your life: ‘What if?'..."

True enough, I am a believer that God has a specific purpose for everything that happens in our lives.  Though many times, as humans, we cannot see that purpose....my tiny mustard seed faith tells me that there is one. 





I'm not one to really watch movies twice, but every once in a great while, there is one that truly touches my soul, and I revisited today - Letters to Juliet.  Though I have seen the movie at least 3 times, "what if'" is what I took from it today, and it brought me to tears.  I have thought deeply about the what if's in my life, and I hope only that by addressing them at this moment I will gain some clarity and peace of mind.

My "What If's"

• My mother and biological father had not divorced when I was a baby
• My mother had not married Jim Brown when I was eight
• My mother had not been killed in a car accident when I was 14
• I had listened to my step father - after mom died - and not dated Scott behind his back
• I had not gotten pregnant at 16
• I had not lived in Marywood Maternity and Adoption Home
• I had given my daughter up for Adoption as my grandparents demanded that I do
• I had not taken the smoke break with Hughes when he asked, even though I was a non-smoker
• I had not divorced Hughes when Fischer was two
• I had not married and loved Robert, although I knew that he could never be manogamous
• If I had stayed away from the relationship with Dave, and never moved to Cleveland
• I had held fast to my belief that becoming involved with "groceries" would be the heartbreak of all heartbreaks and never allowed it to go this far
• I had never gotten breast cancer

This is only a tiny list of the what if's in my life.....but at this moment in time - they seem to be the most significant...and as I go through each one, I know that I will find positives and negatives, but in my heart - I hold not one single regret for the choices I made. So....Here we go!!!

My mother and biological father had not divorced when I was a baby

Dad was a cheater, and didn't treat mom well....Not making excuses for him, but he was only 20 and mom was only 19 and knowing in my heart that I am not proud of many of the things that I did at that age, I cannot hold that against him and have offered him nothing but grace and forgiveness.  Dad worked for Brown and Root, and retired from the company...traveled the world, and I can only imagine the adventure that would have come with traveling with him.

My mother had not married Jim Brown when I was eight

Jim was first known to us as Uncle Jim, and I remember vividly running with great anticipation to his apartment every morning at the age of seven to tell him "coffee's ready" . Mom and Jim eloped - and shortly after that Jim legally adopted my brother and I.  He was the only father I knew until I was 42 years old.  I cannot say the relationship was always great, especially after mom passed and I got pregnant....things were ugly and he never even met his own grand daughter until she was 3....still yet, I forgave him, and the last words he said to me the last time I saw him in 1994, were I love you Sis.  Had mom not married him....I'd have grown up in a fatherless home, like my children, and may have become a statistic....just like so many children who grow up with absent fathers...so for that,  I am eternally grateful.

My mother had not been killed in a car accident when I was 14

My world would be a much better place today.  My mother was my idol...my best friend....I'd have gone to College, If I'd still become a mother at 17, she would have been there to help guide me and raise my daughter, and today, would be enjoying her grand children and great grand children.  This is the biggest regret I have in my life....they would have loved her so.  In the same token, had she not died, I would not be the strong, independant person that I am today.  Growing up without a mother is something that I would never wish on my worst enemy, and it made me a survivor.

I had listened to my step father - after mom died - and not dated Scott behind his back

I'd have never the heartbreak of being a pregnant teen who was alone and unwanted. I'd have never experienced life in an unwed mothers home run by nuns, I'd have never been seperated from my family and been the outcast, not only at home by at school by my peers. There is no regret in this however - because every second of hurt and pain, I would endure again for my precious daughter. She is the love of my life, and my greatest accomplishment.

I had not gotten pregnant at 16

I pretty much answered that in the previous paragraph

 

I had not lived in Marywood Maternity and Adoption Home

I'd have never had tutors from UT, I'd have never graduated with more credits than we were allowed in high school, I'd have never known the horror that some children are faced with, when raped by a family member at the tender age of 12 and still being forced to carry out the pregnancy.  I'd have never met some of the most loving and beautiful girls that I have ever known in my life, and I would have never learned the beauty that is the city of Austin.  The birthplace of my first born, will forever be one of the most special places in my heart, and I go back every chance I get.

I had given my daughter up for Adoption as my grandparents demanded that I do

My daughter may have lived a life with 2 parents, that were able to give her everything a child deserves and I may have never known her.  While I am pro adoption, I could never even entertain the thought of giving up my precious child, though hard times there were -I have no regret....I was beaten with a shoe because of my refusal to give her up, and I would take that beating a million times more if I had to.  She was and is the greatest decision that I ever made....my greatest accomplishment.

I had not taken the smoke break with Hughes when he asked, even though I was a non-smoker

I'd have never had my second greatest accomplishment - my precious son Fischer

I had not divorced Hughes when Fischer was two

Fischer would have grown up with a father. Not an Ideal father, alcohol and drug addiction is no environment for any child, and I cannot say that his father would have been any more present then that he has been for the last 16 years.  I would have lived for 16 years in an abusive marriage and both of my children would have been deeply scarred.

I had not married and loved Robert, although I knew that he could never be manogamous

I'd have never learned that it is possible for a man to truly love a woman, yet have the inability to remain faithful.  I'd have never learned that there were children out there that grew up in a more dysfuntional family than I did, and I would never have experienced the scars that are left behind by parents who choose drugs and illicit lifestyles over their own children.  I would have never seen the man that could rise above all of that and become a success despite the hardships of his childhood, and the determination to make a better life for himself.  I'd have not known the pain of repeated adultery, but I'd have also not known another man'd that truly loved my children as his own, and I'd have missed out on someone who STILL loves me, and remains a constant support in my life. Again - no regret.

If I had stayed away from the relationship with Dave, and never moved to Cleveland

My precious son may have never been exposed to pot....and may have evaded all of the trouble that he has been in over the past year and a half.  I'd have never experienced what it was like to live in a lower income backwoods town, and would have saved myself loads of hurt.  I would however, not have met and come to love some of the most precious people I know in this world, who STILL love and support me despite the demise of the relationship.They will forever be family to me.

 

I had held fast to my belief that becoming involved with "groceries" would be the heartbreak of all heartbreaks and never allowed it to go this far

I'd have learned too late that I had breast cancer....he saved my life.  I'd have never experienced all of the joy and laughter that has been a part of our friendship over the last 5 months.  I'd have never let down the walls that I put around my heart after leaving Dave, and I'd have never learned that it was possible for a heart that has been hurt so much to be able to love unconditionally again.  I'd have never known the meaning of unrequited love, and I would never have learned that just because you love someone doesnt mean that they have to love you back.  I'd have never learned that sometimes in life, you have to remove yourself  from the situation, and love someone from a distance, and I would not experience the heartache that I live today as a result of loosing the one that had become my best friend and confidant.  I would not know how it feels to grow stronger every day, and to be grateful and joyous about the time I had with him, instead of angry that I have it no more.  I could have missed the pain.....but that's one dance that I will NEVER regret.

I had never gotten breast cancer

I would not be the person that I have evolved into today....my person, and my being change with each passing day.  I would not be struggling through Chemotherapy, I would not be bald, and not suffering through the sickness that comes along with all of it.  The positive side is still left to be written....as I still walk this walk, I expect it will be a while before I am able to identify God's purpose for it....so I can only ask Dear God...please give me grace and strength.





MMMMMMMM Breakfast!!!!

so, since I blogged until 7 this morning - I finally exhausted myself enought to go to sleep, and slept until NOON!!!!!   Im still in a complete fog, but we turned on Twilight; Eclipse, and I am determined to keep myself awake until the movie is over!!!  Mel made fresh hot cinnamon rolls for breakfast and mmmmmm were they delicious!!!!!  I think I'll have another!!!!!

Who the hell am I?????

what a question huh?  I guess that question is best answered by time line - b/c or a/c.....before Cancer or After Cancer


Before Cancer - I was a vibrant, attractive, energetic, fun and typically happy single mother of two of the most wonderful children in the world.  My darling, sarcastic wittty daughter, is a stay at home mother of my two precious grandchildren, and is the epitome of me...with the exception of the fact that she has balls of steel.  I'd give my right arm if I had the cajones she has, and I suspect that she earned them by watching all of the bullshit that mom put up with all her life.  My best friend, and the heart of my heart.  My son, is a 16 year old little pain in the ass, that likes to get in trouble, but deep in his heart - is the sweetest, most loving child I have ever known.  While I want to wring his neck at times, I love that child with every ounce of chemo infected blood in my body....he is my baby, and I suppose will be my baby until I leave this earth.  Before cancer - I took the best care of him that I knew how...I kept my precious grandbabies regularly...I took care of my 99 year old grandmother, .I traveled when I wanted, I ran my own hand poured candle company, and was a baker - custom decorated cakes, cupcakes, cookie bokays, and cake balls.  I also worked a 50 hour a week job as a Logistics Coordinator at a company that I have been with for nearly 10 years.  I spent weekends with my Sister, and led a pretty content life.  Single, but completely content to be alone.  With my family- I have never been truly alone....so I dont suppose I know what that really feels like and I was certainly NEVER bored.


After Cancer....holy freaking shit....I dont mean to scare anybody, and I am not feeling sorry for myself....this is a blog...a place to voice my feelings, so that is what I am doing here.  If you are priviledged enough that I share this blog with you - you certainly wont judge me and know that I am not the "feel sorry for myself" type....but DAMMIT!!! 


I have no idea who I am anymore.....the last nine weeks of poison have turned me into nothing but a shell of the woman that I used to be.  I pushed hard enough to continue working through the first eight weeks of chemo, then it finally got the best of me and I had to go on short term medical leave.  My thoughts are not my own, and my body has a COMPLETE mind of its own.  For the first time in my life....I am completely NOT IN CONTROL of my own life, and it's the most debilitating feeling I have ever known in my life. 


I sent my son to live with his Father, because, along with another issue - there was absolutely no way that I could take care of him during the chemo.  For the last three years - it has just been he and I....I didnt date at all....I concentrated all of my focus on taking care of him and living my life.  I havent poured a single candle since my diagnosis....I was able to get far enough to get all of my supplies organized, but the sickness and fatigue just wont let me do it.  I havent baked or decorated any cakes since my grandson's cake in early November, and it breaks my heart - because that is my passion of passions.  I havent kept my grandchildren overnight since I cant remember when, and my heart aches for them.  'And now, I cant even work.  My days are reduced to laying on the couch watching tv or sleeping, with an occassional dinner out or a movie because my body and the poison infecting it just wont allow things to be any other way. 


I'm sad, miserable, and though I am surrounded with people that love me.....completely lonely and empty.  I know that I am not supposed to ask God why - but I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve to endure this, then I get angry with myself, because I know that there are so many other millions of people who have it so much worse than I do....at this point - at least the cancer is gone and I only have to endure chemo and radiation?  What about all of those poor people who are terminal? and why is it so hard for me to be thankful for God's blessings? I hurt inside, and am at the same time ashamed of myself for being self centered.....and all I can do is pray to God to give me peace of mind and help me endure this walk that he has chosen for me.




God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

We all know the old adage "That will never happen to me!!!"  Well - let me tell you...NEVER say NEVER, and NEVER ask God "How much more are you gonna give me?"  Trust me when I tell you - he will give you WAY more than you EVER expected!!!


On December 8th, 2011, following a lumpectomy and a sentinal node disection, I was officially diagnosed with Stage III Invasive ductal Carcinoma, then a subsequent surgery revealed lymphovascular invasion with Metastic
Focus.  The GREAT news is that all of the cancer was removed....the BAD news was that I was about to start the biggest battle of my life - CHEMOTHERAPY!!!   May I just say....CANCER SUCKS!!!!


I went through x-rays, mammograms, bone scans, CT scans, ultrasounds....every kind of poking (and NOT the good kind!!!) that I could have possibly gone through...and the final plan of action was Chemo and Radiation.  12 weeks, every Friday, of Taxol, then 12 week of FAC (that's the ASS Kicker!!!!) 1 treatment every 21 days, then 6 weeks of radiation, 5 days a week.  I felt like I was in the middle of a nightmare that I would NEVER wake up from!!!!


I have, as of today, finished my 9th treatment of Taxol, so only 3 more then on to the ROUGH STUFF!!!  I'm tired, I'm sick, I've lost nearly 30 lbs as a result of the side effects of the Taxol....and I am TERRIFIED of FAC!!!!


Through it all however - I have to thank God for getting me this far, and I want to extend special thanks to those who have been by my side


My darling daughter
My Son
Kristin
My Sister Kelly
and My Sister Mel - for taking such good care of me!!!


Also a special thanks to someone I will just refer to as "groceries"....although he is no longer a part of my battle.  Explantion later!!!!


I have been staying with Mel for the last two weeks, as I finally had to go on short term disability, and she has taken such WONDERFUL care of me....however - I AM going home tomorrow for a few days to spend a few days with my son and I am sooooo excited!  I havent seen him in several weeks, and I cant wait to hug him tight!!


That's about it for tonight - and I will always close with prayer......


Thank you God - for the second good day in a row, thank you for the wonderful blessings you have bestowed on me, and thank you for all of the wonderful people you have blessed me with.  I pray for you to give me peace of mind and comfort and I lay my troubles at your feet.  In Jesus name I pray...Amen