First you all need to know why I refer to him as Groceries. It's another movie thing (If you haven't figured it out yet - I'm a movie freak). In the movie Eat, Pray, Love - While they were at the ashram, Richard gave Liz an unusual nickname—Groceries. "She really enjoyed her food. And she spoke to it as she ate," he says. "So I would hear this, 'Hmm. Oh, mm' And I thought this woman really enjoys her groceries. So I started calling her Groceries." I chose this for him, since we both have an insatiable love for good food, and are great cooks, and many times our time together centered around cooking and/or dining out. So - there ya have it - "Groceries"
Who is Groceries??? Everyone has a first love, a soul mate.....the one that leaves an imprint on your heart that you carry with you for the rest of your life. Some are lucky enough to get to spend a lifetime with that person, others, like me....only get to have that person for a little while, but carry them in our heart for a lifetime.
I met Groceries when I was probably 12. He was a close friend of the family, and he spent lots of time with our family until we were probably 17 or so. We were one of the first families he met when he moved here, and the honest truth is that I have been in love with him since the day I met him. We lost contact for more than 20 years, and ran into each other at a social function 3 years ago, and the moment that he hugged my neck, it was like being 12 all over again. Groceries never gave me the time of day back when we were kids...I was just the little sister.....but this time, I guess I grew up a little cuter than I was back then, and I seemed to have caught his attention, for a moment anyway. We somehow or another exchanged emails or phone numbers, and started what was a 2 and a half year flirtationship....only saw each other once, for about an hour or so, at another social gathering, then again when he offered to loan me something that I was in need of for a gathering. It was all in good fun, In the beginning I invited him to spend time with me on a few occassions, to which he always declined...so I finally gave up. We would talk regularly for a few weeks....then nothing for months...then regularly for a few weeks, and nothing again. I quickly got tired of the game....but in October of last year.....I guess it was time to play for real. Although I made it clear before we ever spent time together that I was afraid of it - because of my feelings for him...and the pedestal I had placed him on since we were children, I went against my better judgement and agreed to spend time with him anyway. From that point forward - until 3 weeks ago.....I had the pleasure of spending 5 of the most wonderful months of my life with Groceries.....then - all of a sudden - out of nowhere.....ditched....abandoned...left trying to cope with Chemo and pick up the pieces of a shattered heart.
I cant say that I know why it happened.....could be any of several reasons. See, I knew about Groceries....while I adore him....he's no Ryan Reynolds....Not very tall, a little overweight, and a total asshole at times. Stubborn, opinionated, unable to communicate, and in my belief, somewhat of a player.....one that requires the attention of multiple women in order to feel adequate, and always has other options in line in case the flavor of the month doesn't work out. Never willing to commit, and the first one to run when things get too close. I believe whole heartedly...and it pains me to say this, that I was not the only person that he was seeing while we spent those five months together, and I believe that he was untruthful with me on many occassions....BUT here I go....with this DAMNED
curse that when I love, I love unconditionally. I can't say that I didn't care that I thought he was being untruthful with me, and I can't say that it didn't hurt when I thought that he was with someone else, but the truth of the matter was, there was no definition to our relationship, and I guess in retrospect, I was not much more than a piece of ass, so I had no right to be angry or even call him out when I felt like he was not on the level. He was not my boyfriend....so I had no right.....and I never did. The relationship was easy...it was fun, and I loved every second that I spent with him. You see, Groceries has many other wonderful qualities, that far outweighed the bad in my mind. He has an intoxicating smile, beautiful brown eyes, ONE cute dimple in his cheek, the sexiest voice I have ever heard in my life, the most infectious laugh you will ever hear, an excellent cook, played guitar and sang like he should have been on American Idol. He did everything right....sent me the most amazing flowers before my last surgery, brought me seashells from the beach, and even bought my favorite candy for me (I still dont even remember telling him it was my favorite) He listened to me, paid attention to me, and He had the ability to make me feel like a little girl, and a sensual woman all at the same time. Strong, Intellingent, Masculine.....I never felt safer then when I woke up in his arms.....soooo...... You know the old saying...ignorance is bliss....I overlooked that bad, because I was so in love with the good, and all that I could hope for is that one day, he might love me back.
I dont know whether he ditched me for the next conquest....because I was just a piece of ass
I dont know whether he ditched me because I got too close....I was never unclear about my feelings for him, from day 1 he knew that I loved him....I even asked him to remove himself from my life when I was diagnosed with cancer, because I wanted to protect him from the ugliness of it...and he respected my wishes for about 72 hours before he was texting me that he missed me. I'll never understand why he didn't just take the out when I gave it to him.
I dont know if he ditched me because he just plain doesnt feel the same way about me
I dont know if he ditched me because I'm sick with Chemo and he just couldnt deal with it
I saw him 4 days ago, when he came to pick up the things that I had borrowed from him almost a year ago....he hugged me and held me close several times, and kissed me goodbye at the door. Letting go of him was quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, next to letting go of my mother. He then sent me a text message a couple of hours later, telling me how good it felt to hug me. I responded "yes - it was hard for me to let go", and I haven't heard a single word from him since.
It all sounds pretty shitty I know - and everyone says "you are better off without him"...well, the fact is that I miss him like crazy, and I love him unconditionally. No matter what the reasons are for why he treated me the way he did, I love him....unconditionally. I will love him, for the rest of my life - unconditionally.
My instinct is to try to find a way to hate him....but I just can't do it. I keep trying to find fault within myself as a reason for him leaving me.....it's easier to blame myself than to tarnish the image that I have in my heart of him. I know that time heals all wounds, and I pray to God every night to give me peace of mind and let this pass...but how long???? How long until I dont wake up and he is the first thought that crosses my mind?? How long until I can listen to country music again because every song wont remind me of him? How long before I can go to bed at night and not cry because I miss him so much? Why did you bring him into my life just to take him away ? How long before I can look back and say....It's your loss....because you let go of the best thing that could have ever happened to you? How long before the pain stops? and he BIGGEST most important question
Why God? Couldn't I just this once, have been good enough for him to love me back?
Some questions we never get answers to, so I guess the best that I can hope for is that the time moves swiftly to the day when I can forget. I know that someday - someone will love me the way that I deserve to be loved.....and I will move on and live a happy life - but "Groceries" will be forever in my heart.
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)
ee cummings
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