We were dating???? I'm so confused!!!!!

I'm so confused!!!!!

ok - so it's no secret, that last year - before my "thing" (I dunno what to call it --so I'll call it a thing) with Groceries, as kind of a joke - I created a Plenty of Fish Dating Profile.  Holy smokes....I have to admit that I have "talked" to some really nice people, but to be totally honest - since all the cancer crap, I just don't really have the dating thing in me.  Not to mention the fact that I guess, well, really, I know...that I'm not completely over "him". 

I've been feeling a lot better lately - so I decided that maybe I would give it a try again.  Back in October I met someone that within a couple of weeks had us damn near married and riding off into the sunset, and although he was very nice, it just wasn't there.  Perhaps it was because I wasn't over "him", perhaps I just wasn't ready, perhaps he moved too quickly and my darn head was spinnin like a windmill - but I choked, and crawfished right back into my little hole.

Soooo....a couple of weeks ago, I logged into POF for the first time, and 73 unread messages later, I responded to a few, not many. I had a blurb on my profile - that if anyone was interested in doing so, they could reach out to me on facebook.  I kind of have this theory...aren't many people that don't have facebook these days, and if you aren't afraid to add me on facebook - then you don't have anything to hide.  Right away, if I ask someone and they tell me "yeah - I have one - but don't add me - I never get on there" RED FLAG!!!!!

I call bullshit.....you are either married, have a girlfriend, or playing the field...and I have no desire for any of these traits!  I would rather walk fearlessly solo than be poorly accompanied!!!

So.....with all of that said - this brings me to my latest "acquaintance"

We'll call him "Forest"  .....my son was home visiting for the weekend - so I thought perhaps that would be a safe time to invite him for dinner.  I know, I know...I shouldn't invite people I don't know into my home - but I always feel more secure in my own territory.  I figured that since I would not be alone - I was safe.  And safe I still am....that is not the issue.  Dinner was nice, and "Forest" was nice, but.....yup .....there is always a BUT......1st, there was absolutely NO spark....not for me anyway.  Unfortunately - I'm one of those that believes that there has to be an "instant" spark, or chemistry so to speak.  NOT THERE.  We had a nice dinner, got along nicely, and I thought perhaps that maybe I was just being too picky, and I should give it a little more time.  Second date...I mentioned that I wanted to go to the farmers market. I have put on about 8 lbs in the last couple of months, and as hard as I worked to get it off during chemo - that is totally a NO GO for me, so I decided it was time to start eating healthy and juicing again.  Forest quickly obliged, and I explained that since I wake early every morning for work, I intended fully to sleep in until 9:30 on Saturday, and asked him to be at my house around 10:30.  Oh Lord here we go again......text message at 7 am Saturday morning "wakey wakey!!!!"  I read the message - threw my phone on the floor....groaned loudly, and went back to sleep.  9:30 am....phone rings...."I'll be there in 5 minutes".  WTH!!!!  Are you kidding me???? I wasn't even out of bed yet!!!!  Soooo....I got up, answered the door, had a smoke with Forest, then told him that my son would have to keep him company until I was ready to go.

20 minutes later I was ready to head out the door....we hit the market, spent maybe 2 hours there, and then he sprung on me "my Dad just lives about 6 miles from here - he said he would so much love to meet you.  Although I felt it against my better judgement, I obliged.  Pop was super nice, and I enjoyed visiting with him, but I could tell from the conversation that Forest already had us in a committed relationship and planning our future together.  XXXXXXXXXX......as if it wasn't bad enough that he didn't follow my direction or take into account the fact that I was completely clear about sleeping in.  OK, that may seem a little stupid to some of you...but it's not.  REALLY - it's not...and if you are a breast cancer survivor, you understand the exhaustion and physical pain that still lingers, even 6 months after treatment has stopped.

So, we got home around 3, I made us a yummy lunch (recipe courtesy of my sister - will post that later!) and after lunch, I let him know gently that I was really tired and needed to nap.  He hinted that he didn't want to leave - but I was having none of that, and by 4:30 he was on his way. 

That night was a little rough for me....all I could think was how this was something that "groceries" and I should have been doing together...all of the memories flooded back, and I had a near lapse of judement...almost sent a text message...but talked myself out of it, because there is no reason to start something all over that is never going to go anywhere.  At about 3 am, It dawned on me ....that either I was just not ready to date, or I had just not found the right person yet.  Not that I have really been looking...but I really don't want to.

As we rolled into Monday, my conversation by text only with Forest was brief, then Tuesday, I got a little quirky, snarky message, and finally had to tell him that I was not ready to date.  Response...are you ready for this??  "I figured something better had come along".  I tried to explain....Response "save it for the ones who treat you like shit". 

I am not an arguer or fighter - so I let it go.  Deleted the messages, and THOUGHT that I blocked his number. (ok - my smartphone is smarter than I am apparently).  As of today, he has messaged me again, telling me that he still loves me unconditionally blah blah blah.....

Folks - really - I never led him on.  When he would make remarks like "can I keep you?" I would respond with "we will just have to wait and see what God has in store for us.  I am very jaded - so please be patient with me...one day at a time" 

Apparently, he doesn't understand nice speak.....and I unfortunately, don't know the first thing about BITCH speak. 

I don't want to break anyone's heart - God knows that mine has been broken enough, and I don't wish that on anyone....but I think this is really out of line.  He has even gone so far as to message me on another dating site that I joined two years ago and didn't even realize I still had a profile on. 

I guess the real question for me is, how in the world, can someone I have spent a total of 9 hours with, be head over heels for me, and someone I have known for a lifetime, and spent a year with....throw me out like yesterday's trash????

I don't believe I will ever understand, but I do believe that for the time being....men are off limits.....my heart just can't take the good, bad or the ugly!!!!