Well, It's been a while - and since that phrase makes me wanna break out in the lyrics of my favorite song - - I'm gonna!!! ( It's Been A While - Staind)
It's been awhile
Since I couldn't
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand
On my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you
And all the things I can't remember
As ****ed up as it all may seem
The consequences that are rendered
I stretch myself beyond my means
And it's been awhile
Since I could say
That I wasn't addicted
It's been awhile
Since I could say
I loved myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and
****ed things up
Just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that ****
Seems to disappear
When I'm with you
And everything I can remember
As ****ed up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
Have gone and ****ed things up again
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day
It's been awhile
Since I couldn't
Look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way
The candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember
Just the way you taste
And everything I can remember
As ****ed up
As it all may seem to be
I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me
It's been awhile
Since I couldn't
Hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said, "I'm sorry"
I suppose this sort of sums up the way I feel today. 20 days since my last raditation treatment - and tomorrow it's back to the hospital. If all goes well, I can gladly say that I will not have to visit that place again until January.
Last week was a B****
*I had a stalker from a dating site that I joined as a dare a year and a half ago come out of the woodwork and totally FREAK me out....anyone that reads this - please send me a personal message if you utilize on line dating services so I can fill you in - I don't want ANYONE to be subjected to this jerk.....I have never physically met this person and spoke to him on the phone once, and the words that he said to me were shattering. For months I have been ignoring his phone calls and texts - thinking that eventually he would get the message - but finally had to have my phone carrier block his number, and had to file a police report for the harrassment. Even though I know that I should be able to brush it off - they repeat in my mind - over and over and over again. I reasearched this guy and found out that he has a prior conviction for harrassment as well as many posts in a forum on line from other women whom he has harrassed as well.
*I have FINALLY started dating and going out - and after a conversation with Groceries (I wont even go into the conversation) - I once again told him to leave me alone. Not in my normal sweet loving, I care for you but your feelings are not the same for me and I want you to be happy so please move on voice BUT IN A REALLY UGLY - "WHY I WAS OUT SO LATE LAST NIGHT IS REALLY NONE OF YOUR F****** BUSINESS, YOU ARE WASTING MY TIME , GET OUT OF MY LIFE" voice. Not because I don't love him - but because he will not offer what I need by means of a partnership or dating relationship - and I am tired of being alone, so I need to move on and I cannot allow him to continue to be a revolving door in my life. It hurt like hell to do it....and I hurt every day...but I had no other choice. As a result...he deleted me from facebook (or maybe he deleted his whole page - I dont really know and am not going to look to find out...it just hurts more). Trivial and stupid...I know - but it felt like my heart had been ripped out and left to bleed mercilessly all over the floor, especially since we have been friends since we were kids. I'm ashamed of the way I handled the situation, but in the same token, am proud of myself for finally standing up for what is best for me. Good God I miss the fucktard though =o(
*I was supposed to keep my grandchildren Saturday night for the first time since November of last year, and due to a miscommunication between my daughter and I, and the time she needed to drop them off conflicting with a previous obligation (pouring candles for the provost family benefit and assembling the candle basket - took 12 hours, and I just couldn't watch over a 2 and 4 year old and do that at the same time), my daughter became angry with me, and I subsequently did not get to see the children at all....broke my heart.....
*Got into an argument with one of my dearest closest friends over money and her offering to help with the candles (I'm still not 100%, and the Drs say it could take up to a year for me to be back there - so hand pouring 8 batches of different scented candles etc. was a big task - and I ended up doing it alone). We had planned to make a full day of it, even invited another party to join, and she didn't make it. Needless to say I was extremely hurt and upset from the previous events, and I was very mean and ugly to her....SMH
I don't know what it is....after effects of Chemo and Radiation, the inability to allow myself to remain a door mat to those I care about any longer, exhaustion from over extending myself......I DON'T KNOW....but this week it is almost as if I have morphed into this person who "looks" like me in the mirror....but is someone totally different inside. I guess I am now starting figure out the answer to the question "who am I?" .....AFTER Cancer. I can't decide whether I like her or not....good thing I have a great counselor.
This week has not started out so promising either - so I can only hope and pray that God will carry me through whatever it is that he and Lady Karma have in store for me.
It's crazy to me....all during treatment - I couldn't wait for it to be over. When you finish Chemo - you get to ring this nifty little bell to symbolize the end of your Chemotherapy, and when you finish radiation, you get to ring ANOTHER nifty little bell to symbolize the end....what the Dr.s fail to tell you is - IT'S NOT OVER!!!!! I had this grand illusion that when my radiation was finished - in a couple of weeks life would be back to normal, I would be working, and I could resume life just as it was before.....UHM......NOT SO FREAKING MUCH!!!! As I sit here at my desk in excruciating pain.......****looks at the clock and realizes that it is almost 3:30**** I suppose I should be thankful to be ALIVE, stop BITCHING, and get back to work!!!!!!
More later!!!!!!
