Christmas 2012 - The Good, The Bad and the Ugly

It's not any big secret - this gal has NOT been in the Christmas spirit this year....Strange to me - because my beautiful mother always made a huge ordeal of Christmas.  She was the original Martha Stewart - or Betty Crocker in her day.  There wasn't a single day that the house didn't smell like gingerbread, or sugar cookies, or homemade New Orleans style Pralines...the yard was decorated to the hilt, and I can't remember any single year that we didn't place in the Best Decorated Christmas House in our neighborhood.  She instilled so many beautiful childhood memories of Christmas, that most of my life, I have always anxiously awaited the season.  Last Christmas wasn't much better - it was just before Christmas when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, but we made it through it, and made it as happy as it could be.

This year - however - everything seemed to be just a mess.  No one could get plans organized, and we ended up having to have our family Christmas on Sunday before Christmas eve.  Fischer and I got into a tiff on Monday, and he decided to go to Dad's on Tuesday (We dont even need to talk about that) So I did all of the christmas shopping and cooking by myself.  It did however, turn out to be a beautiful day and I had so much fun watching all the kids open their gifts...and I bought my own christmas - a Samsung Galaxy Pad and a new laptop - yay for me =)

Dinner was the bomb....crown roast of pork, home made bacon and herb stuffing, mac n cheese, taters and gravy, roasted brussel sprouts and garlic, yeast rolls, and Caramel and Sea Salt Cake (the cake was stupendous....ok - well - the whole meal was stupendous!)

By the time we opened gifts and ate dinner - you might say that we were all stuffed like a Christmas Turkey!!

as you can see from the boys LOUNGING below

Nannie was a happy girl though - all of my family home for Christmas this year....and me not sick...that part was pretty priceless

Fast forward to Christmas Day.....Fischer and I stayed the night with Nana Christmas eve, and decided on Whataburger for dinner that night, and we would save the leftover Crown Roast and trimmings to have Christmas lunch on the actual day.  We got up around 9:30, watched Christmas Mass on TV that was simulcast from St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, and I becan to prepare the meal as mass was finishing up.  I entered the living room, to ask Nana if she was ready to eat....and the next few moments were the most horrifying moments of my life....She was sitting in her chair - mouth dropped wide open, completely unable to even look at me.  She could not focus, her jaw had dropped, her right arm was convulsing, and she could not speak.  I immediately recognized the symptoms of a stroke, I have seen it happen on several occassions - and called 911 immediately.  The EMT's I have to give huge Kudos to....they arrived in less than 10 minutes, had she and I in the back of the ambulance headed to Memorial Herman in less than 20.  The doctors confirm a stroke when we arrived, and Fischer and I spent the next four and a half hours in the waiting room...praying for good news.  The good news, at this point, is that they gave her a wonderful medication called TPA, and within 45 minutes she was sharper than I have seen her in probably a year.  She is in stable condition at the moment, and we can only pray that she will stay that way.  When I left her - which I hated to do - she was conversing better than she had in a long time...so I was able to take so relief from that. Tomorrow we should have more results, and I pray whole heartedly for positive.  I have to say - that this type of Christmas Day I never thought that I would experience.

Scared, nervous, and need to pour my tears out...and for some reason I can't.  I did cry - when I watched the stroke happen....but for moment...I just can't cry.  My heart hurts - not only for her - but because the one person, that I truly want to be able to share this with.....I can't.  I thought that I had gotten over it - but I suppose I just buried it.  When I was finally alone - without all of my family around - thank God for all of their support.....my heart just shattered again - because I just cant.  Sometimes, I wonder - why God puts that person in your life - the one that you want to share everything with, and the one that always makes you feel better - and then poof - with a wave of a magic wand and a little sprinkle of pixie dust....they are gone - just like the never existed in your life in the first place.I don't know why I even question it though - I know that it is in God's hands, and he was not a part of his plan for me, and I hope that tomorrow those thoughts of lonliness will have subsided.  

After this roller coaster of a Christmas - I can only wonder what New Years is going to be like!

Dear Father

Please give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I thank you for giving me one more Christmas with Nana, and pray for many more to come.