It's not any big secret - this gal has NOT been in the Christmas spirit this year....Strange to me - because my beautiful mother always made a huge ordeal of Christmas. She was the original Martha Stewart - or Betty Crocker in her day. There wasn't a single day that the house didn't smell like gingerbread, or sugar cookies, or homemade New Orleans style Pralines...the yard was decorated to the hilt, and I can't remember any single year that we didn't place in the Best Decorated Christmas House in our neighborhood. She instilled so many beautiful childhood memories of Christmas, that most of my life, I have always anxiously awaited the season. Last Christmas wasn't much better - it was just before Christmas when I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, but we made it through it, and made it as happy as it could be.
This year - however - everything seemed to be just a mess. No one could get plans organized, and we ended up having to have our family Christmas on Sunday before Christmas eve. Fischer and I got into a tiff on Monday, and he decided to go to Dad's on Tuesday (We dont even need to talk about that) So I did all of the christmas shopping and cooking by myself. It did however, turn out to be a beautiful day and I had so much fun watching all the kids open their gifts...and I bought my own christmas - a Samsung Galaxy Pad and a new laptop - yay for me =)
Dinner was the bomb....crown roast of pork, home made bacon and herb stuffing, mac n cheese, taters and gravy, roasted brussel sprouts and garlic, yeast rolls, and Caramel and Sea Salt Cake (the cake was stupendous....ok - well - the whole meal was stupendous!)
By the time we opened gifts and ate dinner - you might say that we were all stuffed like a Christmas Turkey!!
as you can see from the boys LOUNGING below
Nannie was a happy girl though - all of my family home for Christmas this year....and me not sick...that part was pretty priceless
Fast forward to Christmas Day.....Fischer and I stayed the night with Nana Christmas eve, and decided on Whataburger for dinner that night, and we would save the leftover Crown Roast and trimmings to have Christmas lunch on the actual day. We got up around 9:30, watched Christmas Mass on TV that was simulcast from St. Peter's Basilica in Rome, and I becan to prepare the meal as mass was finishing up. I entered the living room, to ask Nana if she was ready to eat....and the next few moments were the most horrifying moments of my life....She was sitting in her chair - mouth dropped wide open, completely unable to even look at me. She could not focus, her jaw had dropped, her right arm was convulsing, and she could not speak. I immediately recognized the symptoms of a stroke, I have seen it happen on several occassions - and called 911 immediately. The EMT's I have to give huge Kudos to....they arrived in less than 10 minutes, had she and I in the back of the ambulance headed to Memorial Herman in less than 20. The doctors confirm a stroke when we arrived, and Fischer and I spent the next four and a half hours in the waiting room...praying for good news. The good news, at this point, is that they gave her a wonderful medication called TPA, and within 45 minutes she was sharper than I have seen her in probably a year. She is in stable condition at the moment, and we can only pray that she will stay that way. When I left her - which I hated to do - she was conversing better than she had in a long time...so I was able to take so relief from that. Tomorrow we should have more results, and I pray whole heartedly for positive. I have to say - that this type of Christmas Day I never thought that I would experience.
Scared, nervous, and need to pour my tears out...and for some reason I can't. I did cry - when I watched the stroke happen....but for moment...I just can't cry. My heart hurts - not only for her - but because the one person, that I truly want to be able to share this with.....I can't. I thought that I had gotten over it - but I suppose I just buried it. When I was finally alone - without all of my family around - thank God for all of their support.....my heart just shattered again - because I just cant. Sometimes, I wonder - why God puts that person in your life - the one that you want to share everything with, and the one that always makes you feel better - and then poof - with a wave of a magic wand and a little sprinkle of pixie dust....they are gone - just like the never existed in your life in the first place.I don't know why I even question it though - I know that it is in God's hands, and he was not a part of his plan for me, and I hope that tomorrow those thoughts of lonliness will have subsided.
After this roller coaster of a Christmas - I can only wonder what New Years is going to be like!
Dear Father
Please give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I thank you for giving me one more Christmas with Nana, and pray for many more to come.
Had a great Sunday - Celebrated Baby James 3rd Birthday with a party at the Newman House, complete with Decorations, Balloons, and all of the food from the book!! Apples, Pears, Strawberries, Cake, Ice Cream, Cupcakes, Pickles, Oranges...if it was in the book - it was there! Lacey did a wonderful job putting it all together as always!!! It was a beautiful day for a birthday party, and all of the kiddos had a wonderful time!!
The book behind the party Theme!!
The Birthday Boy with his Hungry Caterpillar Birthday Cake!!!
The Birthday cake
Normally - I make their cakes - but with Uncle Fischer sick and Nannie not feeling so great either - we compromised and purchased a plain cake from HEB and I created the fondant decorations! I would have much rather made the whole cake - but it turned out cute and our little fella was tickled with it anyway!
So excited opening his presents!!!
Hmm.....looks like some deep thinkin on this one!!!
Playin with his presents with Uncle Fischer - such a joy to see those two together - they LOVE LOVE LOVE each other!!!
My precious Family
TJ Ist, TJ IInd, Lacey, Addison and we can't forget Lolly!!!
Watching the cake as everyone was singing happy birthday - he was sooooo excited!!!
I have to say this was probably my favorite part of the day - Wish I had gotten a photo of Lacey up against the glass!!! The kids had a nerf gun - with soft darts that have suction cups on the ends....they each took turns - Lacey, Fischer and James - standing against the glass door and letting each other shoot the darts at the glass around each other. I don't think I have heard so much laughter in months!! So much fun!!!
Thank you Lord Jesus for my beautiful family! I am so blessed!!!
Happy Friday All! I just recently joined Mama Kat's Pretty Much World Famous Writers Workshop...my daughter participates in this and mentioned it to me months ago, unfortunately I was not in "writing mode" so I am just now picking it up! What fun!!! For more info - click the button for Mama Kat's on my home page! I wanted to put the button on the actual blog post - but I'm new to this and haven't quite figured it out yet! Please forgive the Newbie!!!
My writing prompt for this week is : Share the story behind your current Facebook and/or Twitter profile photo (This didn't come from this weeks list - I clicked the "inspiration" button under the Writer's Workshop!)
Well - I have to first say that I rarely participate/interact on Facebook any more - It was so much fun for several years - but I find more each day that it's a great place for "fake" friends, and people who want to glamourize their lives, and at this point in my life, it is vital for my health to throw away the negative (I can pray for them - but I have to let them go) and keep myself close to those who are positive and help keep me in good spirits. The only time/reason that I ever really use it anymore is to keep up with Photos of my daughter and my grandchildren...but I normally get those directly from her anyway!!!
Anyway - I digress!!! This is my current fb profile picture
This is "my" hand - and though I felt like a bit of a hypocrite when I wrote on myself (I get on to my son CONSTANTLY for writing on himself) I did it anyway!!!
I took this photo probably a week or so ago, and it came at a moment when I was REALLY struggling to find peace, and the love and light of God in my heart.
As I anxiously await the arrival of 2013, it is not so much that I am looking forward to the NEW year - but looking forward to 2012 being gone and behind me. Not feeling sorry for myself - but I have really been put through the wringer this year - faced and fought breast cancer, multiple court visits with my teenage son for possession of marijuana, sent him to a rehabilitation center for 2 and a half months, got dumped three times by the love of my life since I was 12 years old, and learned that nothing you say to anyone - even the person that shares your bed (occassionally), and even if you say it out of concern and no malice is involved or intended - is EVER confidential or sacred. I had a nervous breakdown, committed myself to a mental hospital for a week for stabilzation, and was betrayed by two of whom I THOUGHT were the most important people in my life - the day after I got out of the hospital....which sent me reeling back into depression. I have been fighting it for the last month or so, and what I can tell you - is that I don't believe that I have EVER been closer to God than I am today. I started listening to KSBJ - my radio in my car never changes, and I even listen to it on the computer while I work - some days - the music is the only thing that carries me through the day. I have prayed and read and prayed and read and prayed, and prayed some more. While sitting at my desk one afternoon, reading an inspirational blog (I can't remember the author or the title of the blog - I have read so much trying to find inspiration that I couldn't possibly keep them all straight!!) There was a blurb about - remembering who you are, and remembering that God holds all of us in his hands. Moments after I read the blog, my dear friend, whom I met in the hospital, sent an email to myself and another dear friend of ours, with several photos of God's hands telling us "Don't worry girls - He's got us!" At that moment, with tears rolling down my face, it occured to me that "I" was written on God's hand, and no matter how down, and disparaged, and lonely I felt at that very moment - God was carrying me, and would carry me through this phase in my life, so as I reminder, I picked up my pen, and wrote it on my hand. Unfortunately - the ink wore off rather quickly - but for the majority of that evening - every time I looked at my hand, I remembered that God was holding me. I cried excessively that evening, and prayed even harder, and miraculously woke in a much better frame of mind the next morning. I now look at this photo when I need a reminder, and it always brings to mind this song...
One day at a time, one prayer at a time, and one tiny miracle at a time, God continues to remind me who I am to him....Praise and Glory to his name!!!
So I totally got a lot accomplished tonight!! Through God's grace and lots of heavy duty prayer - I believe that I finally start to see my spirits lifting a little day by day!!!
I had a great day at work - focused and quoted my ASS off, and when I left at 5, I actually got some errands done!! My sick baby wanted red beans and rice - so I hit Popeye's on the way home. May I just say first off - that that was the WORST box of chicken I believe I have ever gotten from Popeye's. The chicken was burnt, old, and dry - tasted like it had been sitting under the heat lamp for days....NOT a great experience!
After Popeye's I hit Dollar General for Laundry Supplies, Chloraseptic lozenges for my baby, and BUG SPRAY! Not sure what the deal is - because I am a total clean freak - and my house is NEVER a mess nor do I leave food around - but the roaches are out in full force. Change in the weather maybe? Much to my disappointment - I left the two jar candles I purchased at Dollar General and will have to go back and get them tomorrow.....blech!!! New fall scents - I was/am sooo excited about!! Maple Brown Sugar and Autumn Harvest....the maple brown sugar smells just like a maple donut from Shipley's (my favorite - and the way to my heart incidently!)
Standing in the checkout, waiting patiently - I picked up the latest issue of my absolute FAVORITE magazine - Woman's World
and OMG!!!! Look what I found inside!!!
Pie Cupcakes in a Jar!!
This is one of the niftiest ideas I've seen in a while, and when my mouth started watering - I realized immediately that the old me was slowly showing her horns again =o)
If you love pie, and you love cupcakes, these little gems are the perfect way to double your pleasure and enjoy them both at once all in one little take along package!!!
How about wrapping your holiday taste buds around this!!
Pecan Pie Cupcakes in a Jar
Apple Pie Cupcakes in a Jar
Pumpkin Pie Cupcakes in a Jar
I think my salivery glands are doing cartwheels!!!
I will be making at least one of these on Sunday, and I will post photos of the finished product...I already have loads of ideas for even more varieties.....I'm totally dreaming of Red Velvet Cupcakes in a jar....holy moly!!!!
Check out the Yummies tab - I'll post recipes there....
uuuugh....it's a good thing I lost so much weight during chemo.....let the holiday weight gain begin!!
It seems to me, that every day, I endure this in some form or another - especially in the work place. You wouldn't believe some of the petty crap that goes on in this place - and I try so hard to just do my work and stay out of the bull.....Today - was extremely difficult - so I found myself looking for a prayer for those who stab you in the back - and came across this article. I can so relate - to both the "back stabber" and the "one upper". I am really struggling with it today - and I ask God to please help me let go of the frustration that I feel over this today. I know that I am not perfect - I never claim to be - I am but a lowly sinner and servant of God, and as I watch people and observe some of the behavior - I pray to God humbly to not allow me to be like that, and I pray to God to deliver them. Today - however - I am finding it so hard - I even thought at one point that I would rather find another job than deal with the pettiness of some of the people in this office. The ridiculous part about even thinking that, is the fact that I have been here for almost 10 years, and I love this company. We actually even got Thanksgiving bonuses today -and after the year that we have had, and especially with me being out on medical leave and all of my recent issues, I certainly didn't expect to receive any kind of bonus. I am so very thankful, because it actually covered the medical expenses for Fischer yesterday, and I am so grateful. SSL has been so good to me over the years, and I hate that I would even entertain a thought like that. Dear God - Help me to remove these crazy thoughts from my head and concentrate on what is important - my JOB, and being your loyal and faithful servant!!
When Someone Stabs You In The Back……
How many of us have ever had someone stab us in the back? A friend? A coworker? An ex-boyfriend/girlfriend? A possible family member? Or even a complete stranger? And how did we feel when they very first did so? Our first reaction was likely shock and anger, followed by a sense of hurt, resentment & disillusionment. In our younger day, we might’ve thought of *revenge tactics* to get back at them. But in our older day, we come to realize that two wrongs don’t make a right and also that there’s usually something going on with a person psychologically or emotionally if they hurt someone like that. But you got to realize something. Nine times out of ten, it’s not ABOUT you. It’s really about them and their character. Many people who feel insecure in their own lives will go about trying to put down other people trying to make themselves feel better. But that doesn’t mean you have to partake in their drama. No. You can be better than that. When Jesus Christ died on the cross for forgiveness of mankind’s sins, he KNEW how humans would be like after that. He knew the future in which “mens’ heart will grow cold, love will wax thin, each to their own”. Jesus Christ KNEW that many people, in the End of Days, would stab each other in the back and constantly try to “one up” one another. And though there is the popular saying “don’t get mad, get EVEN”, Jesus Christ would say “I understand if you’re mad/hurt about this but don’t let your anger get the best of you and do NOT get even”. The Lord God said in the bible “leave vengeance up to me, for vengeance is mine!” And there’s a quote in the movie “Jesus: The Greatest Story Ever Told” (starring Jeremy Sisto as Jesus) that I really think drives the point home. When the character Judas Iscariot wants to go on a *revolutionary rampage* to try to free the people of Israel from the Romans, Jesus (Jeremy Sisto) turns to him and says “is your Israel free now that these men are dead?” (referring to Roman soldiers). The character Judas Iscariot then says “no”. So Jesus (Jeremy Sisto) says “then pick up your cross and follow me and I will show you how to be free”. In other words, if we HATE someone that hurt us, then the only person we’re hurting is ourselves. It takes SO much time and mental energy to HATE someone. But it takes very little time and energy to try to forgive someone. Afterall, we’re all human, we ALL make mistakes. And besides, that person might not have realized they’ve hurt us. And if they hurt us *intentionally*, well, then it’s really themselves that they’re hurting. Cause no true person in their RIGHT MIND would have to go to such great lengths to hurt someone unless they themselves were hurting from within. Though some people that LIKE to “one up” people seem to feel pretty good about themselves from the onset. But lets face it. No truly CONFIDENT person would have to hurt someone in order to prove their worth. For if they were TRULY confident in themselves, they wouldn’t HAVE to prove anything, see? Because they’d technically already KNOW their self-worth, without having to prove or justify it. But I see that type of behavior in people all the time. Female friends try to steal each other’s boyfriends. Brothers try to steal their brothers’ girlfriend(s). Children/teens are rude/mean to their parents or vice versa. Coworkers try to rip each other to shreds when the boss is not looking. Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends acting all “catty” with one another, trying to make one another jealous…Or even people on Youtube MAJORLY mocking others on Youtube, even. We are now living in the End of Days and what Jesus Christ said in Matthew 24:12-13 (New Testament, book of Matthew, chapter24, verse 12-13)”And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold. But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved”. Part of the Lord’s prayer states “please forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us”. “So what does THAT mean?”, you may ask yourselves. It means that if WE want to be forgiven by Jesus Christ for all the wrong things that WE ourselves have ever said or done throughout our lifetime, that WE must forgive OTHERS that have said or done wrong/hurtful things towards US. And I know that’s easier said than done. But the good thing about the Lord Jesus Christ is that he will ALWAYS answer a sincere prayer. If there’s someone in your life who has majorly hurt you and you’re having trouble forgiving that person, then take it to Jesus. Pray to him “Lord, I’m still very hurt and angry over this person who has hurt me. Please help me with forgiving this person as I am still struggling with that. I don’t WANT to hate this person or be mad at them anymore. Please help me Lord. Amen” and the Lord will slowly help you forgive that person. And once you truly forgive a person and are able to move on with your life, it is the most peaceful, happiest feeling in the world. It’s like the Lord Jesus Christ has set your soul free from the *sinful bondage* of hate/resentment/anger. See, cause if you CONTINUE to hate someone for hurting you without forgiving them, not ONLY will Jesus Christ not forgive YOU for all YOUR sins throughout your lifetime but the hate and resentment will just eat AWAY at you, night and day. Sooner or later, you will start to hate everything and EVERYONE. You will become extremely pessimistic and bitter and find no joy in ANYTHING. Your life will hardly seem worth living. But if you can learn to forgive someone for hurting you (with the Lord Jesus’s divine help, ofcourse), then your soul will be SET FREE from all that *negative energy* trying to weigh you down. You will feel relaxed, as if a HUGE weight has been lifted off your shoulders. You will feel content and free and joyous in the Lord and joyous in your life. Plus you will be better able to start preaching the gospel again and maybe even having some more opportunities to spread the gospel. Your spirit will feel *spiritually revived*. Sometimes people are depressed and got problems in their life. So they subconsciously try to hurt or lie to others to try to make themselves feel better. Yet, others are sometimes jealous of what we have and what they feel they do NOT have. But regardless the reason, NEVER let it get to you! Not only does Jesus Christ sav we must FORGIVE the people that hurt us in our lifetime but we must also PRAY for them. We must pray that Satan will lose his grip on their souls and that the Lord will open up their eyes and make them see what they are doing and why it is wrong. And ya know what? Many a Satanist, Wiccan, Atheist, Scientist, Agnostic, criminal, etc. were brought to faith in God by the DILIGENT prayers of the loved ones and/or Christians around them. So never say never. For NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE WITH THE LORD! Remember that section of the Old Testament that talks about Abraham and his wife Sarai and how God told Abraham that his wife Sarai was to have a baby (even in her old age?) And how both she and Abraham laughed at the idea on separate occasions and of how God said “why do you laugh? Is everything not possible in my mighty great name?” or something along those lines. On the other hand, we should never TOLERATE repeated bad behavior from others. There’s a difference between forgiving someone and getting out of a bad situation. But no matter the situation, one thing is clear. Jesus Christ hears ALL the prayers of his faithful (those who strive to live by his standards in the bible and beyond). Even if you DO resent someone right now or you feel like you’re 20 million miles away from Jesus Christ right now, or him from you, pray to be restored to him. Pray that he’ll help you forgive people or overcome whatever sin you’re struggling with right now. Time is of the essence. The sooner you forgive people in your life, and the sooner you become restored to Jesus Christ again, the better. I pray for all the souls that read this and pray that each soul that reads this is either brought back to Jesus Christ or comes to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ before it’s too late and their souls are lost for eternity. Amen.
So - what does the Bible say about Backstabbers? I found the following verses on another website that I should reflect on a bit
But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,
Do not eat the bread of a man who is stingy; do not desire his delicacies, for he is like one who is inwardly calculating. “Eat and drink!” he says to you, but his heart is not with you. You will vomit up the morsels that you have eaten, and waste your pleasant words.
So put away all malice and all deceit and hypocrisy and envy and all slander. Like newborn infants, long for the pure spiritual milk, that by it you may grow up into salvation— if indeed you have tasted that the Lord is good. As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ. ...
To the choirmaster: according to The Dove on Far-off Terebinths. A Miktam of David, when the Philistines seized him in Gath. Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? All day long they injure my cause; all their thoughts are against me for evil. ...
Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves, nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.
Peter, an apostle of Jesus Christ, To those who are elect exiles of the dispersion in Pontus, Galatia, Cappadocia, Asia, and Bithynia, according to the foreknowledge of God the Father, in the sanctification of the Spirit, for obedience to Jesus Christ and for sprinkling with his blood: May grace and peace be multiplied to you. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to his great mercy, he has caused us to be born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, who by God's power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ...
One of the most difficult lessons that I have had to learn over the last year is to try and find beauty even through the deepest darkenss.
As a breast cancer survivor, I am proud to say that God has carried me through quite possibly the most difficult, horrendous battle of my life.
Cancer robs a person of so much - health, happiness, self esteem, virility, and can make you feel like nothing more than a former shell of yourself. This and so much more I have experienced, and I can only pray that through the Grace of God, I will grow to be a better, stronger, more compassionate person because of it.
Right in the midst of something that crumbled my whole world - God brought Two Beautiful Women into my life - Ginger O' Shields, and Brady Lockhart. I was chosen to be the Model/Spokesperson for Southern Social Services Campaign for Breast Cancer awareness, and was awarded a photo shoot in return for their ability to use the photos in their campaign.
I have never met two more beautiful people in my life, and I am eternally grateful to them for showing me the beauty that still lives inside me even though I see nothing but a broken, monster when I look in the mirror.
Just look at the photos from the shoot - who wouldn't feel beautiful?
You can find Southern Social Services on Facebook, or their website at
If you enjoy what you see - please support these ladies in any way you can -
while the photo shoots may seem pricey - I can assure you that you will never have a more pampering, joyous experience in your life....they made me feel like a celebrity and to you
Ginger and Brady - I owe a huge debt of gratitude
Thank you for allowing me to see that there is Light and Beauty in even the Darkest of Circumstances!
Please be sure to watch out for the Houston Local Edition of the Houston Chronicle on December 20th, where Southern Social Services and our Campaign will be featured in the Chronicle's Business of the Week Section! So excited to see it published!!!
These are the actual Campaign Ads....Aren't they fantastic?
These are just a few EXTRA Shots that I absolutely adored!!!!
To my fellow breast cancer warriors
Britt Thomassen Figueroa, Kim McNabb Jorgensen, and Teresa AnaloroIArnold....Fight on Sisters! I love you all!!!!
Ok - yeah - so I am kind of a control Freak.....My mom passed when I was 15, so I didn't really have a choice but to TAKE CONTROL of my own life....and have CONTROLLED it - right or wrong, for the last 30 years. Scratch that - 29 years and 1 month. In December last year - I finally LOST control....or - perhaps I should say I finally realized that I DIDN'T control my own life. God controls it....I am only now learning the most important lesson of all....it's not your life that you control...it's how you react to the things that you can't control, and whether or not you let them control you. Whew....this is one doozy of a life lesson.
Today - was totally NOT what I expected it to be. I woke up and forced myself out of bed at 7:15 like I do every morning - chose a cute pair of pinstriped pants and a black sweater to wear to work, and sleepily put on minimal make up and since it was what us Southerners call FREEEEEZZZZIIINNNGGG (haha - I think it was 50 degrees) outside, I chose to wear hair today - A cute and sassy little short auburn number...yeah - it was a "cute" day. 3
After blogging last night - and praying until I just couldn't utter another word, I woke up feeling pretty good. Have been able to do without meds the last couple of mornings in a row, and have been really proud of myself for that, although I know in my heart - that is only through my endless prayer that God is finally answering me and helping remove some of the anxiety that I have been feeling for the last few months. Praise be to God for that -
Psalm 30 - Joy Cometh in the Morning!!!!
I arrived at work at 8:32 to find that our internet server was down, and we couldn't do a DARN thing!!! Uuuugh - I told myself - I could have stayed home in bed!!! I find that - if I am busy at work - I find it much easier to focus on work, instead of the things that are making me sad and causing my depression. Enter lesson number 1 - You can't control this....stop bitching and moaning - and find something constructive to do while you wait...so - luckily - I brought my kindle along, and decided to read the book by Joyce Meyer that I am currently reading (love that woman by the way ) "Straight talk on depression: Overcoming Emotional Battles with the power of God's Word.
Finally - around 10 am - the server came up and I was able to get to work - of course I had a million things to do by then so I dove right it,
Enter lesson #2 for the day....I received a phone call from Nancy - the Nurse at Odyssey House - telling me that Fischer was running a 102 fever and that I needed to come get him and take him to the doctor. HUH???? Ok - this was REALLY not what I was expecting today. I was naturally upset that my baby boy was sick, and of course I was worried, but on top of that, Teresa was also sick, and was out at a Dr. Appointment - we have all been concerned about her for a couple of weeks - so I was feeling especially bad about having to leave the office to take Fischer to the doctor. On top of all that - Fischer's Dad doesn't keep the court ordered medical insurance on him, so I knew that this was going to be a pretty penny out of pocket. Praise be to the lord that I am in decent financial shape right now. I left the office at 12:30.
My poor sick baby snuggling with my breast cancer lamb in mama's bed
When I arrived at Odyssey House to pick up my baby - he was lethargic. Running a fever hot as hades, eyes glazed over, and shaking from body chills. At this point - I AM MAD!!!!!! First - Im miserable for my baby feeling this way, and 2nd because they called me on Monday telling me Fischer was CLAIMING that he was not feeling well. I missed the call, tried to call back, and called twice yesterday and left a message for his case worker - who never called me back. It was almost as if they thought that Fischer was faking being sick ...so yeah - excuse my french...but by now I am FUCKING PISSED!!!
I drove 10 miles to the nearest Walgreens care clinic, and as soon as we got in the car - my poor baby was throwing up in my empty McDonald's cup. We got to the clinic and got signed in, and luckily didnt have to wait too long before seeing the practicioner. Fischer, all the while, puking his guts up in the trash can. The practicioner was precious and had a great sense of humor - which Fischer and I both needed at this point - she laughed and curtly remarked "Well - at least we know he isn't pregnant!!!" I couldn't help but laugh.
What was to come next was miserable - after taking his vitals - she explained to me that she needed to do a flu test and a strep test. The strep test consisted of swabbing the back of his throat - a little uncomfortable, but not unbearable. The flu test however - UNREAL. She had to take an 8 inch swab, and ram it all the way up into his nasal cavity on both sides. Just the sound of it was horrible - and although my boy is ALL BOY - the poor baby had tears rolling down his face when she finished the test. I don't think I have ever seen him cry from pain like that, and it broke my heart. The practicioner escorted us back out to the waiting room, and in about half an hour - the doctor called us in and gave us the news that Fischer had a SEVERE case of Type A influenza. She told me that she would prescribe something for the nausea and vomiting (yup - he was still steadily vomiting) but I told her I had Zofran left from my chemo, and could I give him that...she said it was perfect and that would at least save me the money for that prescription, and she prescribed TamiFlu for him. She said it was the worst case that she had seen this year, and that if he couldn't keep liquids down by morning, I needed to take him to the ER for IV to prevent dehydration.
Finally got him back to Odyssey House, and was so relieved that they decided it was not in his best interest or that of the other children for him to stay in his medical condition, and that since Graduation was Friday - they would go ahead and let him go home. He didn't even want to gather his things...said he would rather come back for them on Saturday. I drove home - got his meds, and 300 dollars later - finally got him home, medicated and in bed.
During all of the afternoons events - I'm getting more upset
1, This could have been headed off much sooner - If Odyssey had returned my phone calls, or taken Fischer seriously when he said he was sick - this totally didn't have to go this far.
2. I had to take a half day off work - and I really didn't need to be doing that with as much work as I have to miss.
3. My baby is totally sick, and will now most likely have to miss the graduation celebration on Friday. This is a big deal - 3 months clean and sober, and completing the program....the graduation celebration - he deserves
4. I had to cancel my therapy appointment for the afternoon
5. I am not able to make my grandson's birthday cake for his party on Sunday....I ALWAYS make my babies cakes!!!!
ok - so - thankfully I have found KSBJ and I listen to it - my station never changes, and the music gave me hope and helped me cope all the way home. I cried - Good Heaven's how I cried - but my day had been turned upside down and my baby boy was miserable. This song - carried me - all the way home
So - what is the common denominator here? All of the above things "I COULD NOT CONTROL"......The only thing I COULD control - was and is how I react/respond to the events. For today - I chose NOT to react,....I chose to handle the situations and totally leave the emotions out of it. I listened to the music on KSBJ, cried a bit, and just handled the situations. and decided that tomorrow - with a clear head and a renewed heart - I would deal with the rest of the stuff . For the moment, even though Fischer is sick - still running a fever but at least being able to rest peacefully and comfortably, I decided to take joy in the fact that my baby boy is laying next to me, instead of at Odyssey house where he has spent the last 3 months, and oddly enough - I find comfort in that.
Again - Lesson for the Day - I AM NOT IN CONTROL
Dear Heavenly Father
Thank you for carrying me in your arms through this day, and thank you for blessing me with the ability to take care of Fischer's health needs. I pray that he will feel better tomorrow and I pray for you to heal him in the name of your own precious son Jesus Christ. I thank you for again, teaching me and showing me that I am NOT in control, and I thank you for letting me, little by little - learn to give my worries and my burdens to you and let you handle them. I thank you for the feeling that I have in my heart, that this dark cloud of despair is lifting - and I know that that is only through you and only because you listen and hear my prayers. Whatsoever you shall ask in the name of Christ - you shall receive. Thank you for the little signs that we almost never hear, and thank you for the LOUD signs, that we couldn't possibly miss. I pray that you will wake me to a beautiful day tomorrow, with lifted spirits and a renewed heart. Praise to you Lord - for joy cometh in the morning. Thank you as always for all of my beautiful babies - you have truly blessed me, and I pray for those who are in need of your blessing and your direction, especially those whose name not even need mentioning. Thanks and Glory be to you almighty Father.
Ever feel like the title of this blog? For those of you who don't know me, you should know that I have God on Window's live messenger. Yea Yea - It seems a little silly - but I created an account - so that I could instant message God. Where during my work day - if something bothered me, or there was something that I felt like I wanted or needed to pray about - all I had to do was send him an IM! Believe it or not...I do it VERY often...sometimes it's nice, and sometimes I am downright complaining. Today, as I got ready to log off - I noticed the message at the top of the IM window. God appears to be offline. Messages that you send will be delivered when they sign on. GAH!!! Really???? That brought me to a profound thought....is this what God sees when he tries to talk to us, or show us the way....and we are just OFFLINE"???? I suspect so!!! With that said - my Goal this week is to REALLY try to LISTEN and not be "offline". Let's see how many signs I can actually see and hear when I choose to do so!!
It's been what seems like forever since I have written, and truth be told I am only here because I received what I felt like must be a "sign" from God just moments ago...and for once - although it it TOTALLY out of character for me to LISTEN....I decided I would give it a shot!
Today - around 4 pm, as I sat at my desk watching the clock - wondering if this dreadful day would ever come to an end, and stressing over whether or not I was going to be able to force myself to complete a simple task...go to the grocery store and purchase the things that I need for my grandson's birthday cake that I need to finish by FRIDAY.....I was reading a spiritual blog - I exalt thee....by Ali Smith
and I read that blogging was/is considered an excellent tool to combat depression. I quickly dismissed it..yeah - I know it helps me to write...but who in the heck wants to write right now??? I certainly didn't, and seriously still don't. Then out of no where- my best friend, whom I haven't had the decency enough to even reach out to in the last couple of weeks, sent me a text asking me to remind her of the name of my blog.....derrrrrr...."Thar's yer sign gurl!!!"
Im still stressing....let me just say that I just finished a bag of these - ALL BY MYSELF!!!!
Haha - yeah - not kidding - the whole DAMN bag!!!!
I'm going to be paying for it soon - since A/C.....sweets don't set with my stomach well...but once again - I DON'T LISTEN!!
Soooo....many things have happened since my last post.....Put my son in a rehab center for smoking pot - He's been there for almost 3 months now, and I am proud to report that Graduation Day is this coming Friday. I have weekly visits with him on Sundays and Weekly Counseling Sessions with him and his case worker, and I have to rejoice with joy at the change that I have seen in him since his admittance into the facility.
Finally, being free of being high...his mind is clear, and his true thoughts and feelings are finally able to come through. I havc sat in awe, and watched words pour from his mouth that I would never have dreamed would have come out of his mouth...and for that I have no one to thank but God. We had quite a spiritual moment two weeks ago when I had him out on a 12 hour pass. I have a beautiful deck and Gazebo in my back yard - surrounded by wind chimes. It's kind of my "retreat" or "safe space"....this is where I sit late at night and smoke a cigarette, or early in the cold mornings with a cup of coffee, when I have something on my mind that I need to try and work through. We just happened to be sitting under the Gazebo, having a smoke, I was bawling because our plans to have dinner with my daughter and her husband and my grandchildren had been foiled as my poor son in law had to work, and because it was getting closer to time to take Fischer back to the facility. Fischer wrapped his arms around me and held me while I sobbed...all the while reassuring me that it was only 2 more weeks and he would be home and telling me that he was disappointed about our Dinner plans too, but that those were things that I have no control over and that I needed to learn how to let go of the things that I could not control, and he could help me with that if I would like. What tha french toast!!! Did my son just offer to educate me on "letting go"??? MMMMHMMMMM He shore did!!!!
And that wasn't even the spiritual moment....Let me tell you folks first off - that we live in the GHETTO.....ok - our home is nice - but it's just a house - you can make ANY house nice and make it your home - but the area that we live in - is GHETTO. Don't misunderstand....I grew up here - and it is home to me - but the place has changed so much - and it almost depresses me to be here. The life here is stagnant....gang infested, drug infested, dark, dreary and dirty. I am not prejudiced in any form, and I am only using this statement as a means of proving my point. Fischer and I are one of only 2 caucasian families on our street of approximately 30 houses. I only moved back here to be close to my babies and my 99 year old grandmother - and if it weren't for them I'd be out of this hell hole in 2.2 seconds....it seems like my whole life fell apart when I moved back here. Ok - I must be a little ADD because I got totally off the subject....
Normally - what you hear on my street, are ancient model, lowered, pimped out cars, being driven by gentlemen permanently plasterd in the Gangsta Lean pose, throwing out whiz Khalifa or Zero
or some other main stream rapper promoting Sex, Barz, and Lean. Everyday occurence ...just what you learn to expect here....BUT TODAY!!!! As Fischer and I sat holding each other and crying....I sat back and listened, and heard the most GLORIOUS NOISE!!! There was a band - playing in SOMEONE'S BACK YARD just BELTING OUT are you ready for this ???? Contemporary Christian Music!!!! and it was so LOUD!!!! I could hear every word..clear as a bell....a coincidence???? I think NOT....God telling my baby boy and I that he has us - IN HIS HANDS...oh yeah - that's for sure...it was definitely a sign from God and it set the whole mood for the rest of my evening. The next time I hear it - I will follow it....I want to join in and be a part of the celebration!! With that said - I want to share one of my favorite top Contemporary Christian Songs
Need You Now by Plum
Well, believe it or not....I actually do feel better...but It's nearly 11 pm, and if I don't sleep I sure as hell wont be feeling better tomorrow!!!
Today I will close with a prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for waking me with the Sunshine this morning, and thank you for the small victories I was able to achieve with your guidance. Thank you for holding me in your hands through the depression that I now fall victim to, and thank you for helping me know that you may allow me to bend but you will never allow me to break. Thank you for letting me get through something as simple as the grocery store. Thank you for giving me the the gift of being able to give grace and forgiveness to those that hurt me, and the ability to pray for those same people. Thank you for all the clicks on his name on the Salvation wall....Thank you for my precious friends that have stood beside me through my hysteria, and thank you for my new friends - all of whom I look forward to a life time of making wonderful new memories with. Thank you for my beautiful children, and for all of the blessings that you have bestowed on my life. Please help me to continue to grow in my relationship with you, learn to know you, and live as an example of your glory and light to others.
I pray for all of the beautiful people in my life,and I even pray for the "not so beautiful" people in my life - that you would heal them of their afflictions, bless them with abundant joy and peace, and bestow upon them all of your wonder and glory.In the name of your son Jesus I pray...
