Before Cancer - I was a vibrant, attractive, energetic, fun and typically happy single mother of two of the most wonderful children in the world. My darling, sarcastic wittty daughter, is a stay at home mother of my two precious grandchildren, and is the epitome of me...with the exception of the fact that she has balls of steel. I'd give my right arm if I had the cajones she has, and I suspect that she earned them by watching all of the bullshit that mom put up with all her life. My best friend, and the heart of my heart. My son, is a 16 year old little pain in the ass, that likes to get in trouble, but deep in his heart - is the sweetest, most loving child I have ever known. While I want to wring his neck at times, I love that child with every ounce of chemo infected blood in my body....he is my baby, and I suppose will be my baby until I leave this earth. Before cancer - I took the best care of him that I knew how...I kept my precious grandbabies regularly...I took care of my 99 year old grandmother, .I traveled when I wanted, I ran my own hand poured candle company, and was a baker - custom decorated cakes, cupcakes, cookie bokays, and cake balls. I also worked a 50 hour a week job as a Logistics Coordinator at a company that I have been with for nearly 10 years. I spent weekends with my Sister, and led a pretty content life. Single, but completely content to be alone. With my family- I have never been truly alone....so I dont suppose I know what that really feels like and I was certainly NEVER bored.
After Cancer....holy freaking shit....I dont mean to scare anybody, and I am not feeling sorry for myself....this is a blog...a place to voice my feelings, so that is what I am doing here. If you are priviledged enough that I share this blog with you - you certainly wont judge me and know that I am not the "feel sorry for myself" type....but DAMMIT!!!
I have no idea who I am anymore.....the last nine weeks of poison have turned me into nothing but a shell of the woman that I used to be. I pushed hard enough to continue working through the first eight weeks of chemo, then it finally got the best of me and I had to go on short term medical leave. My thoughts are not my own, and my body has a COMPLETE mind of its own. For the first time in my life....I am completely NOT IN CONTROL of my own life, and it's the most debilitating feeling I have ever known in my life.
I sent my son to live with his Father, because, along with another issue - there was absolutely no way that I could take care of him during the chemo. For the last three years - it has just been he and I....I didnt date at all....I concentrated all of my focus on taking care of him and living my life. I havent poured a single candle since my diagnosis....I was able to get far enough to get all of my supplies organized, but the sickness and fatigue just wont let me do it. I havent baked or decorated any cakes since my grandson's cake in early November, and it breaks my heart - because that is my passion of passions. I havent kept my grandchildren overnight since I cant remember when, and my heart aches for them. 'And now, I cant even work. My days are reduced to laying on the couch watching tv or sleeping, with an occassional dinner out or a movie because my body and the poison infecting it just wont allow things to be any other way.
I'm sad, miserable, and though I am surrounded with people that love me.....completely lonely and empty. I know that I am not supposed to ask God why - but I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve to endure this, then I get angry with myself, because I know that there are so many other millions of people who have it so much worse than I do....at this point - at least the cancer is gone and I only have to endure chemo and radiation? What about all of those poor people who are terminal? and why is it so hard for me to be thankful for God's blessings? I hurt inside, and am at the same time ashamed of myself for being self centered.....and all I can do is pray to God to give me peace of mind and help me endure this walk that he has chosen for me.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
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