Ever feel like the title of this blog? For those of you who don't know me, you should know that I have God on Window's live messenger. Yea Yea - It seems a little silly - but I created an account - so that I could instant message God. Where during my work day - if something bothered me, or there was something that I felt like I wanted or needed to pray about - all I had to do was send him an IM! Believe it or not...I do it VERY often...sometimes it's nice, and sometimes I am downright complaining. Today, as I got ready to log off - I noticed the message at the top of the IM window. God appears to be offline. Messages that you send will be delivered when they sign on. GAH!!! Really???? That brought me to a profound thought....is this what God sees when he tries to talk to us, or show us the way....and we are just OFFLINE"???? I suspect so!!! With that said - my Goal this week is to REALLY try to LISTEN and not be "offline". Let's see how many signs I can actually see and hear when I choose to do so!!
It's been what seems like forever since I have written, and truth be told I am only here because I received what I felt like must be a "sign" from God just moments ago...and for once - although it it TOTALLY out of character for me to LISTEN....I decided I would give it a shot!
Today - around 4 pm, as I sat at my desk watching the clock - wondering if this dreadful day would ever come to an end, and stressing over whether or not I was going to be able to force myself to complete a simple task...go to the grocery store and purchase the things that I need for my grandson's birthday cake that I need to finish by FRIDAY.....I was reading a spiritual blog - I exalt thee....by Ali Smith
http://alinsmith.wordpress.com/2011/10/28/a-beautiful-prayer-for-the-single-ladies/
and I read that blogging was/is considered an excellent tool to combat depression. I quickly dismissed it..yeah - I know it helps me to write...but who in the heck wants to write right now??? I certainly didn't, and seriously still don't. Then out of no where- my best friend, whom I haven't had the decency enough to even reach out to in the last couple of weeks, sent me a text asking me to remind her of the name of my blog.....derrrrrr...."Thar's yer sign gurl!!!"
Im still stressing....let me just say that I just finished a bag of these - ALL BY MYSELF!!!!
Haha - yeah - not kidding - the whole DAMN bag!!!!
I'm going to be paying for it soon - since A/C.....sweets don't set with my stomach well...but once again - I DON'T LISTEN!!
Soooo....many things have happened since my last post.....Put my son in a rehab center for smoking pot - He's been there for almost 3 months now, and I am proud to report that Graduation Day is this coming Friday. I have weekly visits with him on Sundays and Weekly Counseling Sessions with him and his case worker, and I have to rejoice with joy at the change that I have seen in him since his admittance into the facility.
Finally, being free of being high...his mind is clear, and his true thoughts and feelings are finally able to come through. I havc sat in awe, and watched words pour from his mouth that I would never have dreamed would have come out of his mouth...and for that I have no one to thank but God. We had quite a spiritual moment two weeks ago when I had him out on a 12 hour pass. I have a beautiful deck and Gazebo in my back yard - surrounded by wind chimes. It's kind of my "retreat" or "safe space"....this is where I sit late at night and smoke a cigarette, or early in the cold mornings with a cup of coffee, when I have something on my mind that I need to try and work through. We just happened to be sitting under the Gazebo, having a smoke, I was bawling because our plans to have dinner with my daughter and her husband and my grandchildren had been foiled as my poor son in law had to work, and because it was getting closer to time to take Fischer back to the facility. Fischer wrapped his arms around me and held me while I sobbed...all the while reassuring me that it was only 2 more weeks and he would be home and telling me that he was disappointed about our Dinner plans too, but that those were things that I have no control over and that I needed to learn how to let go of the things that I could not control, and he could help me with that if I would like. What tha french toast!!! Did my son just offer to educate me on "letting go"??? MMMMHMMMMM He shore did!!!!
And that wasn't even the spiritual moment....Let me tell you folks first off - that we live in the GHETTO.....ok - our home is nice - but it's just a house - you can make ANY house nice and make it your home - but the area that we live in - is GHETTO. Don't misunderstand....I grew up here - and it is home to me - but the place has changed so much - and it almost depresses me to be here. The life here is stagnant....gang infested, drug infested, dark, dreary and dirty. I am not prejudiced in any form, and I am only using this statement as a means of proving my point. Fischer and I are one of only 2 caucasian families on our street of approximately 30 houses. I only moved back here to be close to my babies and my 99 year old grandmother - and if it weren't for them I'd be out of this hell hole in 2.2 seconds....it seems like my whole life fell apart when I moved back here. Ok - I must be a little ADD because I got totally off the subject....
Normally - what you hear on my street, are ancient model, lowered, pimped out cars, being driven by gentlemen permanently plasterd in the Gangsta Lean pose, throwing out whiz Khalifa or Zero
or some other main stream rapper promoting Sex, Barz, and Lean. Everyday occurence ...just what you learn to expect here....BUT TODAY!!!! As Fischer and I sat holding each other and crying....I sat back and listened, and heard the most GLORIOUS NOISE!!! There was a band - playing in SOMEONE'S BACK YARD just BELTING OUT are you ready for this ???? Contemporary Christian Music!!!! and it was so LOUD!!!! I could hear every word..clear as a bell....a coincidence???? I think NOT....God telling my baby boy and I that he has us - IN HIS HANDS...oh yeah - that's for sure...it was definitely a sign from God and it set the whole mood for the rest of my evening. The next time I hear it - I will follow it....I want to join in and be a part of the celebration!! With that said - I want to share one of my favorite top Contemporary Christian Songs
Need You Now by Plum
Well, believe it or not....I actually do feel better...but It's nearly 11 pm, and if I don't sleep I sure as hell wont be feeling better tomorrow!!!
Today I will close with a prayer
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for waking me with the Sunshine this morning, and thank you for the small victories I was able to achieve with your guidance. Thank you for holding me in your hands through the depression that I now fall victim to, and thank you for helping me know that you may allow me to bend but you will never allow me to break. Thank you for letting me get through something as simple as the grocery store. Thank you for giving me the the gift of being able to give grace and forgiveness to those that hurt me, and the ability to pray for those same people. Thank you for all the clicks on his name on the Salvation wall....Thank you for my precious friends that have stood beside me through my hysteria, and thank you for my new friends - all of whom I look forward to a life time of making wonderful new memories with. Thank you for my beautiful children, and for all of the blessings that you have bestowed on my life. Please help me to continue to grow in my relationship with you, learn to know you, and live as an example of your glory and light to others.
I pray for all of the beautiful people in my life,and I even pray for the "not so beautiful" people in my life - that you would heal them of their afflictions, bless them with abundant joy and peace, and bestow upon them all of your wonder and glory.In the name of your son Jesus I pray...
Amen
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