Don't ask God to make your life easier, Ask God to make you a Stronger Person....Lessons in learning to let go of control

Ok - yeah - so I am kind of a control Freak.....My mom passed when I was 15, so I didn't really have a choice but to TAKE CONTROL of my own life....and have CONTROLLED it - right or wrong, for the last 30 years.  Scratch that - 29 years and 1 month.  In December last year - I finally LOST control....or - perhaps I should say I finally realized that I DIDN'T control my own life.  God controls it....I am only now learning the most important lesson of all....it's not your life that you control...it's how you react to the things that you can't control, and whether or not you let them control you. Whew....this is one doozy of a life lesson.

Today - was totally NOT what I expected it to be. I woke up and forced myself out of bed at 7:15 like I do every morning - chose a cute pair of pinstriped pants and a black sweater to wear to work, and sleepily put on minimal make up and since it was what us Southerners call FREEEEEZZZZIIINNNGGG (haha - I think it was 50 degrees) outside, I chose to wear hair today - A cute and sassy little short auburn number...yeah - it was a "cute" day.  3

After blogging last night - and praying until I just couldn't utter another word, I woke up feeling pretty good.  Have been able to do without meds the last couple of mornings in a row, and have been really proud of myself for that, although I know in my heart - that is only through my endless prayer that God is finally answering me and helping remove some of the anxiety that I have been feeling for the last few months.  Praise be to God for that -

Psalm 30 - Joy Cometh in the Morning!!!!

I arrived at work at 8:32 to find that our internet server was down, and we couldn't do a DARN thing!!!  Uuuugh - I told myself - I could have stayed home in bed!!!  I find that - if I am busy at work - I find it much easier to focus on work, instead of the things that are making me sad and causing my depression.  Enter lesson number 1 - You can't control this....stop bitching and moaning - and find something constructive to do while you wait...so - luckily - I brought my kindle along, and decided to read the book by Joyce Meyer that I am currently reading (love that woman by the way ) "Straight talk on depression: Overcoming Emotional Battles with the power of God's Word.

Finally - around 10 am - the server came up and I was able to get to work - of course I had a million things to do by then so I dove right it,

Enter lesson #2 for the day....I received a phone call from Nancy - the Nurse at Odyssey House - telling me that Fischer was running a 102 fever and that I needed to come get him and take him to the doctor. HUH????  Ok - this was REALLY not what I was expecting today.  I was naturally upset that my baby boy was sick, and of course I was worried, but on top of that, Teresa was also sick, and was out at a Dr. Appointment - we have all been concerned about her for a couple of weeks - so I was feeling especially bad about having to leave the office to take Fischer to the doctor.  On top of all that - Fischer's Dad doesn't keep the court ordered medical insurance on him, so I knew that this was going to be a pretty penny out of pocket.  Praise be to the lord that I am in decent financial shape right now.  I left the office at 12:30.

My poor sick baby snuggling with my breast cancer lamb in mama's bed

When I arrived at Odyssey House to pick up my baby - he was lethargic.  Running a fever hot as hades, eyes glazed over, and shaking from body chills.  At this point - I AM MAD!!!!!!  First - Im miserable for my baby feeling this way, and 2nd because they called me on Monday telling me Fischer was CLAIMING that he was not feeling well.  I missed the call, tried to call back, and called twice yesterday and left a message for his case worker - who never called me back.  It was almost as if they thought that Fischer was faking being sick ...so yeah - excuse my french...but by now I am FUCKING PISSED!!!

I drove 10 miles to the nearest Walgreens care clinic, and as soon as we got in the car - my poor baby was throwing up in my empty McDonald's cup.  We got to the clinic and got signed in, and luckily didnt have to wait too long before seeing the practicioner.  Fischer, all the while, puking his guts up in the trash can.  The practicioner was precious and had a great sense of humor - which Fischer and I both needed at this point - she laughed and curtly remarked "Well - at least we know he isn't pregnant!!!"   I couldn't help but laugh.

What was to come next was miserable - after taking his vitals - she explained to me that she needed to do a flu test and a strep test.  The strep test consisted of swabbing the back of his throat - a little uncomfortable, but not unbearable.  The flu test however - UNREAL.  She had to take an 8 inch swab, and ram it all the way up into his nasal cavity on both sides.  Just the sound of it was horrible - and although my boy is ALL BOY - the poor baby had tears rolling down his face when she finished the test. I don't think I have ever seen him cry from pain like that, and it broke my heart.  The practicioner escorted us back out to the waiting room, and in about half an hour - the doctor called us in and gave us the news that Fischer had a SEVERE case of Type A influenza.  She told me that she would prescribe something for the nausea and vomiting (yup - he was still steadily vomiting) but I told her I had Zofran left from my chemo, and could I give him that...she said it was perfect and that would at least save me the money for that prescription, and she prescribed TamiFlu for him.  She said it was the worst case that she had seen this year, and that if he couldn't keep liquids down by morning, I needed to take him to the ER for IV to prevent dehydration.

Finally got him back to Odyssey House, and was so relieved that they decided it was not in his best interest or that of the other children for him to stay in his medical condition, and that since Graduation was Friday - they would go ahead and let him go home.  He didn't even want to gather his things...said he would rather come  back for them on Saturday.  I drove home - got his meds, and 300 dollars later - finally got him home, medicated and in bed.

During all of the afternoons events - I'm getting more upset

1,  This could have been headed off much sooner - If Odyssey had returned my phone calls, or taken Fischer seriously when he said he was sick - this totally didn't have to go this far.
2.  I had to take a half day off work - and I really didn't need to be doing that with as much work as I have to miss.
3.  My baby is totally sick, and will now most likely have to miss the graduation celebration on Friday.  This is a big deal - 3 months clean and sober, and completing the program....the graduation celebration - he deserves
4.  I had to cancel my therapy appointment for the afternoon
5.  I am not able to make my grandson's birthday cake for his party on Sunday....I ALWAYS make my babies cakes!!!!

ok - so - thankfully I have found KSBJ and I listen to it - my station never changes, and the music gave me hope and helped me cope all the way home.  I cried - Good Heaven's how I cried - but my day had been turned upside down and my baby boy was miserable. This song - carried me - all the way home

So - what is the common denominator here?  All of the above things "I COULD NOT CONTROL"......The only thing I COULD control - was and is how I react/respond to the events.  For today - I chose NOT to react,....I chose to handle the situations and totally leave the emotions out of it. I listened to the music on KSBJ, cried a bit, and just handled the situations. and decided that tomorrow - with a clear head and a renewed heart - I would deal with the rest of the stuff .  For the moment, even though Fischer is sick - still running a fever but at least being able to rest peacefully and comfortably, I decided to take joy in the fact that my baby boy is laying next to me, instead of at Odyssey house where he has spent the last 3 months, and oddly enough - I find comfort in that.

Again - Lesson for the Day - I AM NOT IN CONTROL

Dear Heavenly Father
Thank you for carrying me in your arms through this day, and thank you for blessing me with the ability to take care of Fischer's health needs.  I pray that he will feel better tomorrow and I pray for you to heal him in the name of your own precious son Jesus Christ.  I thank you for again, teaching me and showing me that I am NOT in control, and I thank you for letting me, little by little - learn to give my worries and my burdens to you and let you handle them.  I thank you for the feeling that I have in my  heart, that this dark cloud of despair is lifting - and I know that that is only through you and only because you listen and hear my prayers.  Whatsoever you shall ask in the name of Christ - you shall receive.  Thank you for the little signs that we almost never hear, and thank you for the LOUD signs, that we couldn't possibly miss.  I pray that you will wake me to a beautiful day tomorrow, with lifted spirits and a renewed heart.  Praise to you Lord - for joy cometh in the morning.  Thank you as always for all of my beautiful babies - you have truly blessed me, and I pray for those who are in need of your blessing and your direction, especially those whose name not even need mentioning. Thanks and Glory be to you almighty Father.

In Jesus Name I Pray


Amen